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Fear of Commitment

Posted in cool people, family, writing on May 5, 2011 by Gray

This is going to be an unusually personal post for me, and only tangentially has to do with rope and kink, so feel free to skip it and go on to something more sexy.

Lee Harrington has this habit of changing people’s lives. Maybe you already knew that, having taken his classes, heard his sermon on Living Leather, read his books or something like that. If you’ve read my essay in Ropes, Bondage and Power you know that it was a scene with Lee that took me past a plateau of rope and sadism and into a much darker, scarier, fulfilling and wonderful world. It was a casual lunch with Lee where he said “Gray, you really ought to create an event with your name on it,” and so the GRUE was born.

See what I mean? Lee Harrington is dangerous.

And if he’s that dangerous to other people’s lives, inspiring change and forcing growth with a casual sentence, can you imagine how he is in his own life? I don’t think I know anyone else who is more powerful in shaping their world to fit their calling, in doing the work necessary to force reality to be more the way it should be, as opposed to the way it is.

I got to see and be a part of a little of that during the Dark Odyssey WinterFire Cabaret Social fund raiser. That’s where he presented Aiden Fyre with their earned leather, a fantastically beautiful custom-made chest harness similar to Spartacus. It was beautiful, violent, powerful, and as he led them off to a pre-planned gang bang I felt the way I would feel watching a friend skydive or jump off the high diving board doing a half-twist pike triple somersault and nail it.

Namely, Damn, that’s impressive, followed by wow, I sure wouldn’t try that.

Not that I don’t want to, you understand. Kind of like the way I longingly stroll through the furniture section of Office Max and read Organizational Porn, dreaming of a world where my files are neatly alphabetized and my desk chair solid and comfortable in front of my dual 36″ monitors, I also attend MAST meetings and classes on protocol and read the polyamory sections of FetLife. It’s a fantasy, a desire that remains just that.

Why? you may ask. Surely you have people willing to serve, wanting to be involved. Yes, that’s true. I’ve been blessed with relationships with some absolutely incredible poly and submissive people. That’s not the difficulty; it’s not them, it’s me.

It’s a fear of commitment. Not for the typical reason (If I commit, I’ll give up XYZ). No, the opportunity cost doesn’t bother me. It’s actually the fear of commitment broken. To make a long story short, having seen the biggest commitment of my life suddenly disappear, after working as hard as I could to preserve it for years, I am loathe to put forth that effort again.

That’s Commitment, of course. Big C. The kind of thing that Lee and Aiden did last weekend at Beltane in Ramblewood, where I had hoped to attend, but was unable to due to unforeseen roadblocks. I wish I could have, because I love Lee, and I wanted to be there for him, but at the same time I’m a bit glad I didn’t.

The weekend before I had taken a short trip to the Bondage Capital of the World, Madison WI, to finalize the divorce that was the final nail in the coffin of that Big Commitment I’d tried more than a decade ago. It didn’t hurt as much as I expected (in fact, it’s a bit amusing; in an amicable divorce hearing, the words you say most often are “I do.“). But it reinforced something that has been the case for a while now: a reluctance to take the long view.

What will your life look like in 10 years? I can’t answer that question. Even when faced with the usual follow up, What do you want it to look like? I really can’t answer it. Ditto for five years, and while I’m a little more clear on one year from now, it’s mainly because I’ve already agreed to do some events in 2012.

Thing is, I really don’t have a good excuse. Lee’s gone through much more shit than me, and probably been through more relationships. Yet there he was, committing to moving across the country and starting an entire life with Aiden. I think it was Heinlein who talked about how courage is not facing the unknown, it’s facing the possibility – even the likelihood – of getting hurt and doing it anyway, because it’s the right thing to do.

Lee’s one of the bravest men I know.

But you know, we all have our own paths to tread. When I say “more shit” it’s of course relative, and there’s no real way to measure experiences against each other. And while I may not be able to make big-C Commitments right now, I’m working my way up. Commitment, like anything else, is more about habit than anything else. It’s not deciding to show up one day; it’s showing up day after day after day.

So I commit to studying every morning. I commit to working out with my partner DNGG. I commit when I pull out my rope and start to tie that I am going to follow through from the first laying on of strands through the final hugging “thank you“. I commit when I sit on the couch and watch an episode of Prison Break from beginning to end, not letting my workaholic ADD nature check on twitter or email. I commit when I open up WordPress and decide to write a post celebrating commitment, both big-C like Lee & Ayden’s and little-c like buying an iPad 2.

Thanks to a conversation I had with Mollena, I commit when I say I’ll have a play date with someone. One way or another I will show the fuck up, even if it’s only to tell you that my hand is injured but by the way, there’s this world-class rigger standing behind you who is willing to take one for the team and tie up your gorgeous and amazing willing and supple body (you owe me, buddy). What’s really funny is that since I’ve adopted that particular commitment, several time it’s been the bottom who doesn’t show up.

That’s ok. There is solace in knowing that it wasn’t me. I held up my end of the deal, and that reflects well on my self-image regardless. Every little commitment kept, or even the ones that are let go with full knowledge and understanding of the necessity, reduces that fear of commitment. Reduces the fear that it’s not worth trying.

Eventually I’ll learn to accept that about the big-C stuff, too, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll be as brave as Lee.

Congratulations, Lee & Ayden. I am proud to be your friend and wish you both the best on your journey.

4 Comments »

Dude, Where’s my Rope?

Posted in cool people, NeatEvent, Rope Bondage with tags bag, gear, rope, shibaricon, travel on May 4, 2011 by Gray

Are you excited about Shibaricon? Me, too. But especially if this is your first time coming, and you’re coming from far away, you may be wondering: how can I get my rope to Shibaricon?

As someone who travels regularly with rope and other toys, I can tell you my personal secret: Pay the damn fees. Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but while I’ve accumulated a nice collection of TSA inspection forms, I’ve never had anything – from basic Twisted Monk rope to high-end MauiKink exotic wood paddles – get taken. I’ve heard various other horror stories (including one from Midori who had all kinds of stuff taken) but my own experience is that if you just fork over the cash, I don’t worry.

I’ve tried other methods, including one that is often recommended by others on discussions like this one on Fetlife to mail the packages, but I’ve found that there’s an element of risk in relying on others to mail or hold your packages. I’ve still got a lot of my rope sitting in the back of someone’s car in San Francisco because they haven’t found the time to mail it to me, and SherynB mentions that “almost all large hotels charge substantial receiving and holding fees, and I’d be surprised if the Hyatt was an exception. It’s been a few years, since I did hotel conferences, but my guess would be $20-25 a box, or more, based on weight. So if you’re going to do it, call first so you know what to expect.”

Which looks more dangerous to you?

This year I have the advantage that my partner is driving in from the Bondage Burgh, and so my gear bag will just be thrown in the back of her car.

If you do decide to brave the TSA and carry on your rope (It’s for climbing! Honest!) just remember they are arbitrary, fickle, and logic will not work. CherriesJubalie and Lqqkout had the interesting experience of traveling to the same event – Beyond Leather – and while TSA was fine with Lqqkout’s five-foot heavy-steel chain in his carry-on, they insisted that Cherry remove her nipple piercings in order to go through the metal detector (note: Cherry has investigated and found that this is NOT TSA policy, so if you are asked to do this and you don’t want to, know that you can insist on a “visual screening” instead of removing them).

In short, if you’re bringing gear, pay the damn fees. It’s the safest way to transport them.

What’s your plan for getting your gear to Shibaricon?

Subclavian Massage Technique Works!

Posted in community, cool people, play, Rope Bondage, ropecast on May 2, 2011 by Gray

This just in: it works!

Gray,

Thanks for sharing Voron’s massage technique for the box tie. I was happily suspending a lovely naked woman, last night. She, foolishly, ignored tingling in he left hand until it was “asleep”. I applied the massage and she had feeling back, right away! I took her down and out of the ropes and continued the massage. Her hand felt “normal” within a minute.

My “rope god” status was elevated by the 3 young, beautiful women in my living room. All of who, went home to fuck their ropeless boyfriends, not me. Oh well, I guess I shouldn’t have played down the whole “rope god” thing.

Thanks for all the info you share. Your podcast riches the rope community.

This email from Kale is referring to the video below (if you missed it the first time). There actually are a couple of more techniques coming down the pipe…I was trying to be all sneaky and release them first on Fetlife to encourage people to support that site but I think I’ll just be putting them out there as part of the Ropecast.

Anyone else try it out and have it work?

1 Comment »

Save Wicked Grounds & Get a GRUE Lifetime Pass!

Posted in community, cool people, proporn, sex education with tags GRUE, wicked grounds on April 18, 2011 by Gray

Many people have heard of the little piece of heaven in San Francisco that is Wicked Grounds. It’s a bit of a pilgrimage, a kind of kinky Mecca that those who do what we do can go and sit and breathe and feel like we can actually be ourselves, in all our perversity, without worrying if the owners and other patrons will take offense. Even if you never go there, *knowing* that such a place exists makes the world a bit of a better place, in my opinion.

However, turns out it’s expensive to run a café in San Francisco (Who knew?). You can click here for the backstory, or just go right to the donation page…but first, let me engage in a little of my dream of being a Kinky Willy Wonka.

I have commissioned the creation of:

Five THREE GRUEden Tickets

These will be actual golden tickets with your name on them in fancy (like, papyrus or maybe even Herculanum) lettering and will be a free pass to any GRUE.

Admission only, mind you. Ya gotta get there yerself, find a roof for your head, and feed yourself a bit. But as far as cost of admission? This GRUEden ticket will get you in ANY GRUE, ANYWHERE in the world. Seattle? St. Louis? Amsterdam? Berlin? London? Connecticut? Vancouver? Yup, you’re in.

And you’re extra cool, because there are ~~only five of them~~ only three of them left. First pledged, first served.

I tried to arrange to have them hidden in the thighs of willing and supple rope bottoms throughout the world, but wiser minds convinced me that it might be better to tie it in to the efforts to save my favorite place, Wicked Grounds. So here’s the deal:

If you pledge (and this needs to be a REAL pledge, mind you) $500 to Wicked Grounds, you can have a GRUEden Ticket. Just do like Pete (a recent attendee at the GRUE Pitt) did, and note on your donation: *This is for a GRUEden Ticket*.

Did you catch that? He already got one, minutes after I announced it at the GRUE Pitt.

Which means there are only four three left.

(Tori Storii bought one too.)

Wait a minute, Graydancer, you ask, What guarantee do I have that there will be enough GRUEs in the future to cover the cost of the GRUEden Ticket?

None. There are eight GRUEs definitely planned thru 2012, and another half-dozen in the works, but there is no guarantee that even if you went to all of the rest of the GRUEs, you would make back your investment.

In fact, it’s almost like we’re actually focusing more on helping out our kinky community rather than just trying to get commercial value for a buck! I never was a very good capitalist.

Note that the way the pledge works is much like Kickstarter.com: Wicked Grounds needs to get $50,000 in pledges before your pledge would actually be called due. So there is a chance that you could pledge the $500 and never be called on to cough it up. Guess what? Even if that happens (*personally, I’d plan on paying it; as of this writing, they are about halfway there*) your GRUEden Ticket will be honored.

See what I mean? Lousy capitalist.

If you have more questions, then you’re probably making it too complicated. It’s simple:

Go here.
Pledge $500 that you have every intention of paying towards the preservation of Wicked Grounds.
Make a note on the page: This is for a GRUEden Ticket. We will get it to you before the next GRUE, in Seattle in August.

That’s it. And if GRUEs aren’t your thing, I believe Shibaricon and other events are going to be offering special deals as well.

Save Wicked Grounds.

It’s the café we wish we had next door.

1 Comment »

Arden Leigh’s “The Seduction Manual”

Posted in community, cool people, play, writing on March 30, 2011 by Gray

The Seduction Manual by Arden Leigh

It’s sometimes hard to write a review for a friend. I mean, can you really be objective? It’s easy in a one-on-one “Hey, page 189 has a typo, and I think you would be clearer in this paragraph if you made it a bullet list like you did over in chapter 8…” But in a public venue? That’s when it gets tricky.

Especially when it’s a subject that you have, at best, mixed feelings about. I’ve read “The Game” and endured several research-trips into “seduction blogs” and podcasts. I’ve also encountered enough of “The Rules” to consider both to be pretty distasteful. Seduction is not my thing, at least as those people see it; I’m about being authentic, serendipitous, enjoying things as they happen. I have never gone into a room, set my eye on someone, and thought “I’m going to go home with that person.”

At least not consciously. And that, frankly, might be a character flaw. That’s what Arden is providing in The Seduction Manual. Even though she borrows from the vocabulary of those other game-players, using words like “target” and “strategies” and “added value” – there is a constant theme of self-improvement running under every practical instruction. It’s even in the structure of the book, with the first chapters being about self-discovery, accentuating your positive traits, and developing your own confidence in your desirability. She even delves into the process of creating an environment of seduction in your home, long before she ever starts on how to acquire your “target.”

The middle part of the book is much more about interactions and strategies, and this is where I was pushing my own comfort zone. I’d love to think that every great conversation, every successful date, every hot sweaty post-coital grin was a unique confluence of coincidental factors that culminated in this fated moment of bliss. It would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Maybe not, Arden points out. Using many examples as both seducer and seduced, she outlines not only the how of getting into someone’s awareness but also makes a pretty convincing argument of the why: why it is actually more flattering to know that someone is intentionally making the effort to learn about you, to figure out what you need, to make themselves a part of your dream. They are good and effective strategies; in fact, in a couple of anecdotes I realize that they’ve worked on me, quite enjoyably.

“The persuasive element of seduction, like anything else, is a tool… i didn’t write this book so that women could learn how to be soulless harpies breaking men’s hearts everywhere they go; i wrote it so that women could learn to be better lovers and better partners, both for themselves and the men they encounter. i wrote it so that more people could end up happier.” –Arden Leigh, The Seduction Manual

There are two possible flaws, from my point of view, in the book. One is that it is written with a target audience of women looking for men, and as such there are occasional generalizations and heteronormative assumptions that tend to raise my sex-positive hackles now and again. However, it’s silly to expect one book to be all things to all people. If anything, the fault would lie with the reader who failed to see beyond the conventions of language to find the gems of wisdom throughout that apply to every relationship, regardless of sexuality or gender. At the same time, I can’t help but hope she writes a similar manual for men, for queers, for leather daddies and dykes and more…

That brings up the second possible flaw: a great deal of the book’s anecdotes are predicated on Arden’s experience as a pro-domme. One of the best pro-domme’s out there, in fact, and therein lies enough of a tale to write an entire other book (which, she tells us, she has). But if kinky sex, power-exchange relationships, or sex work in general squicks a person, they may find it difficult to get past the environment of the stories to really see the meaning behind them. I could be wrong about this; as a queer sex-positive kinky ninja sex poodle, I loved hearing about the fetish parties and client sessions. But I do worry that others might use that as a grounds for dismissing her frank and open point of view. If so, it’s their loss.

It’s in the final chapters of the book that I really found Arden’s writing exceptional. She brings the practice of seduction past “closing the deal” – i.e., sex and delves into the philosophy of life behind the whole process. Seduction is not for the faint of heart, and not a journey to be taken lightly, she warns. Arden bares her own past, her own faux-pas, her own dreams and wishes at a personal level that made me want to stand up and cheer. “I will say yes to being broken and crushed,” she says, “if it means I’m fully living.” This is where the book goes beyond being a manual and becomes a manifesto, a barbaric yawp at the risky world of dating with all its joys, pitfalls, and superficial beauty.

Gentlemen, if you find this book on your lover’s shelf, know this: you never stood a chance. The Seduction Manual gave her everything she needed to attract, acquire, captivate, and occupy your mind with a wonderful, inexorable obsession. It wasn’t fate, it wasn’t kismet, it was a foregone conclusion the minute she set out to put Arden’s guidelines into practice. You might as well surrender to the inevitable, because she’s got you right where you want her.

Lucky guy.

How to Find the Perfect Play Partner

Posted in community, cool people, Rope Bondage, sex education, twisted monk, writing on March 23, 2011 by Gray

It’s funny, when I’m looking over my Google Reader. I’ve got a strange mishmash of feeds…Twisted Monk and Mistress Matisse and Ten and Mollena, of course, but then it veers into Lifehacker and Mnmlist and Hardcore Zen. Then we take another only slight turn to the right into productivity and entrepreneurial blogs like Seth Godin and Chris Brogan, and from there into pure porn…Bend Me Over and Elspeth Demina and Some Dirty Secrets and the like.

And you’d think that I’d get blogging material from the kinky people. Or from some zen philosophy. Or maybe inspiration from the images (“Hell, I can do that, and I know the guy that did that, and wouldn’t Mauikink toys make a good replication of that…”).

But no. Looking through them today, seeking blogging inspiration, it was sales giant Seth Godin who gave me my first inspiration, and the wholesome money-thrifty blog Simple Dollar that gave me the second.

Let me digress for a bit. One of the most common and most heartbreaking question I get is “How do I get to be a hot rope top, with everybody wanting me to tie them up?” Sometimes they will point at someone who they want to emulate, or (in confidence) at someone who they want to play with. “How can I get her to play with me?” is what they’re really asking.

Usually they’re talking about some hot bi babe that I’ve just done a scene with, and I tell them, quite honestly, that the way to play with the hot bi babes is to stop caring that they’re hot bi babes. At that point, they’re everywhere, and more than happy to play…but you don’t really care. Call it the Unicorn Paradox.

But the Simple Dollar put it far better than I ever did, and did it simply:

It’s not about having the right partner. It’s about being the right partner.

Every second you are trying to figure out how to make yourself more attractive to…whoever it is you want to play with…you are wasting your time. Why? Because the motivation is coming from outside of yourself. That makes it inauthentic, and people can usually smell somebody who’s faking it from across the dungeon. And even if you succeed, you are succeeding under false premises. You are not being you, you’re being someone you think they’ll like. Eventually, you will come back out, or, more likely, you’ll discover they aren’t all that after all.

Instead, you need to simply make yourself the most attractive person to yourself. What needs to happen to make you feel good about yourself? Is it weight? Is it clothes? Is it intellect? Be honest. Ask yourself what it is, then ask yourself why. And every time you answer with “…because then the guys will like me…” chuck that one out. Look for the ones that have “…because then I feel good…” or some variation thereof in it. I do my exercise regimen quite publicly via twitter, or even at the GRUE, and it’s not because I want Raven Lightholme to be impressed with my guns. Are you kidding? I’m forty-fucking-two years old, and I’m never going to look like Shaun T. Never. But I like how my body moves when I’m in shape, the way it feels to walk down the street, the added stamina it gives me when I’m slamming into her fine…ahem. You get the idea. I do it because when I do it I feel more like me.

So. You got the thing, or things, that make you feel more like you? The things that are going to make you into the right partner for whoever your partner is? Great! The next step is easy, too.

Fucking do something about it.

And that’s where Seth Godin enters the picture. He closed a recent blog post with a phrase that I wish I could tattoo on my forearm. It is the one phrase that I would send back to my elementary school self, over-intellectual and under-athletic and nerdy and waiting miserably to be selected last for kickball. Yeah, I was that kid. And I wish I could have a time tunnel to go back and whisper Seth’s words in his ear:

No one is going to pick you. Pick yourself.

Nobody’s asked you to teach? Well, first develop the skills (both in teaching and in your subject, the two are not the same) and then just go to classes and help out people who might be having trouble. I know people who have started podcasts just for the hell of it. Who have stepped up to help out people they don’t even know. Who have created their own publishing companies simply because they feel there are voices that need to be heard. Who have created their own events just because it was getting too complicated to go to other people’s.

Well, ok, the last one was me, and it didn’t exactly work out as planned. But that’s ok, it worked out better. And I’m pretty sure that if you pick yourself, rather than waiting around for somebody to tell you what to do, it will work out better than you can imagine, as well.

I’m not even going to address any “Yeah, but…” arguments. Sorry. Whatever you’re facing, I doubt it’s worse than what Hideaki Akaiwa faced and triumphed over. Sorry, folks, but he has removed any excuse from the table for quite a while.

So yeah, I cheated. How to find the perfect play partner? Become the perfect play partner.

And then play with yourself.

2 Comments »

Sex Ed for the Needy Privileged

Posted in cool people, proporn, sex education, writing on March 4, 2011 by Gray

I had a weird thought the other day when I had lunch with Miss Stella from YourSparQ.com.

We were talking about sex education, and I had mentioned a tweet I’d seen from Sarah Sloane (one of the best sex educators out there) calling out the need for good cisgender male sex educators. I’ve heard other friends in the sex ed field, from Heather Corinna to Shanna Katz to Megan Andelloux echo the call: Where are the straight men teaching sex ed? Hell, even Rutgers writes about it.

As someone who has somewhat inadvertently been identified as a straight-presenting cisgender male occasionally thrust into sex-ed situations, I listen to them with a bit of an eyebrow raised. Because in spite of my offering to do more, there really aren’t a lot of organizations beating down my door, asking me to talk about sex. Rope, kink, social media, poly, sure…but usually not sex.

But at the lunch, a thought occurred to me. I thought about how a lot of the sexuality educators out there – primarily women or queer educators (such as Dan Savage) came out of oppressed and under-represented groups. Women claimed their sexuality; “We’re here, we’re queer!” came out of the closet and began to examine in the bright light all the myths and stereotypes and more. The focus was on pleasure, how to get it, how you are responsible for your own orgasm, how you needed to not be ashamed of your desires, etc.

These are great things. They are ripping the lid off the lies that were told to all of us for so many years:

At about age 8, my father first mentioned the word “penis” in reference to that part of my anatomy. I thought he’d said “peanuts” and it was years before I learned otherwise.
As a reader of scriptures, I found that strange word womb mentioned over and over. It was something about babies coming out of bellies…then I had it! REmembering the story of Eve coming from Adam’s rib, I triumphantly told my parents: “I get it! They’re called wo-men because they came from the womb of man!” My parents laughed nervously, told me I was wrong, and never explained why.
In 6th grade, when the boys & girls had separate assemblies to learn about bodies changing and the production of sperm and such, one big part was left out. My best friend Huey dared ask the question: “Um, how, exactly, does the sperm get to the egg?” Amidst gales of laughter (which I joined in, even though I didn’t know either) the educator – a white-haired cisgender male in a suit – glanced at the other teachers and said “Any way it can.” More gales of laughter. But not much education.
Driving with my dad, he asked me if I understood how babies were made. “Sure,” I said, “We learned about sperm and eggs and all that stuff in school.” He nodded, looking relieved, and didn’t bother to ask for details. Which was good, because I didn’t actually know any.
My stepmother finally laid it out for me as we drove the car into the driveway one day. “It’s nothing like what you see in the movies like James Bond,” she said. “It’s actually no fun for the woman at all. It only lasts about five minutes, and the man can only do it once a night.” I nodded. At that point, I had lost my virginity a few months before to a well-educated young woman with a sex-positive mother, and I knew that everything my step-mother was telling me was a lie.

That was my sex education. That was the sex education of a cisgender male of privilege. And that’s the thought that came to me that day at lunch: there has been this assumption, I think, that the dominant class – the straight cisgender male – has had all the focus on their sex, and so book after book and show after show from these great sex educators have been focused on getting the real story out, about women’s bodies and queer desires no longer being shameful or secret or ignored (such as the many, many anatomical diagrams young women were shown with no mention of the clitoris). In fact, often these books have been dismissive of male sexual pleasure (The Clitoral Truth was downright offensive, in my opinion).

The thing is, while yes, the focus has been on male heterosexual pleasure, it has been a false focus. It hasn’t been about the realities of sexual pleasure, such as the joys of prostate play, or the different kinds of orgasm, or the realities of erectile dysfunction, or the fact that submission can be a masculine sex trait. No, instead we have games and scores and “donkey punches” and chuckling socks-in-the-arm that resemble a Monty Python sketch.

In other words, the same cisgender masculine stereotypes that kept women’s and queer sexuality in the dark for so long kept the cisgender het males in the dark too.

That, I think, is why there’s such a need for male sex educators. We’re behind in the sex-positive enlightenment.

That’s not to say “poor oppressed us.” For one thing, I’m not really part of that us, because I’m queer. I just don’t look it, and I’m ok with people making their assumptions because my queerness isn’t any of their business.

For another thing, it’s ok to be behind, because we now have the examples of the great sex educators listed above to follow (resisting the urge to add “And besides, ladies first, right?”). It is a good thing for a privileged group to realize they’re behind the curve, under-represented, and that their actual identities and health issues and pleasure have been falsely perceived and presented for centuries. Builds character, wot?

But at the same time…like I said, there aren’t exactly a horde of people knocking at my door.

5 Comments »

The Numbers of Kink

Posted in community, cool people, play, proporn, Rope Bondage, sex education on February 24, 2011 by Gray

You may have heard: recently I joined the staff of the Kink Academy (affiliate link) as their “Editor Extraordinaire”. I get to get my hands dirty with video again, creating short segments of the best sex educators around sharing their stuff. Yesterday I edited a piece on eye contact for intimacy, a piece on warming up your partner’s ass for anal play, and a piece on stretching for bottoms preparing to be bound.

Good stuff. And all yours for the introductory price of $9.95/month, or $75 a year.

The funny thing is, there are people who not only think that’s too much, there are people who apparently harass Kali for daring to charge at all. There seems to be some anathema to the idea of making a profit while educating.

So let me get this straight:

People are willing to pay, oh, let’s say $125 for an event (we’ll assume it’s early bird pricing). This is an event that lasts one weekend, during which time, if they’re lucky, they’ll get to sit through, oh, ten classes (that’s assuming they can crawl out of bed after a play party). The event may have a huge number of great presenters, but you can only sit in their classes one at a time. And while you can still take notes in classes (that hasn’t been banned – yet) you can’t record what happens in any form. Not audio, not pics, certainly not video.

You pay $200-$450 for hotel and food.

You walk into the vendor area and drop $175 for a flogger, $300 for a corset, and $45 for those fantastic four-inch Ingrid stilettoes from the Shoe Guy. (Quick question: did you see anyone yelling at any of the vendors for “profiting from other people’s sexuality”?).

Total cost for a great weekend? Around $1000. With some material goods you can keep, but mostly the joy of an experience. I got to talk to Mollena Williams. I got to watch Scott Smith. I learned photography from David Lawrence. I was part of Shibaricon 2011!

Great presenters, all. The event was full of ‘em. And, with a few exceptions, most weren’t paid a dime for their experience or teaching time. If they were lucky they had books or DVDs they could hawk at their classes, but if not, well, then your thanks was all the reward they asked for.

And that’s fine, as far as it goes. What I don’t get is why someone who is passionate enough about their kink to drop a grand on a weekend that will fade into memory balks at paying $75 (that’s what, half a flogger?) for a full year of over 50 educators – the same ones you see at the events – teaching on a huge variety of subjects whenever you want. You can check out their free videos, too, which give a pretty good taste of what’s inside, and are also a free resource in and of themselves.

Madison Young Teaches "Zen Submissive"

It’s streaming video. You can watch Madison Young’s oral sex tips over and over and over (and believe me, you will want to). It’s there when you need it, a refresher before a play date, an exploration into a new kink, or even to check out a presenter who’s going to be at the next event you’re at. Four new videos a week, all year long, never archived: you can join today and have literally hours of explicit kinky instruction at your disposal.

Oh, and every single person involved in that video was paid for their time. The presenters and the models. Paid quite well, in fact, because Kink Academy believes their time and knowledge are valuable and they deserve to be rewarded for it. When you join Kink Academy, you are saying thanks to the presenters in a directly financial way.

Me and Raven Lightholme (of FreedomofFetish.com) talking about Making Out

I’m not saying you should join, mind you. That would be disingenuous, as I’ve got an obviously personal stake in the matter. No, I just want people to stop pretending that money isn’t support, and that somehow going to an event that doesn’t pay presenters is more valid than joining an educational site that does.

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Must-See Video: The Twisted Monk YouTube Channel

Posted in cool people, Rope Bondage, twisted monk on February 23, 2011 by Gray

File under: Awesome People Passionate About What They Do.

My dear friend, mentor, and inspiration, Twisted Monk, has his own YouTube Channel! It’s not got the racier stuff, due to the TOS of the prudes at YouTube (unless, I guess, you’re Rihanna) but judging from the first video, it’s going to be a must-subscribe for anyone serious about rope:

This sparQ Brought to You By the Letter “P”

Posted in art, community, cool people, event, Rope Bondage on February 16, 2011 by Gray

“Sure, I’m moving to Pittsburgh,” I told my friend. “But I’ll be heading back to Madison a lot.”

“Uh huh. Sure. I’ll believe that when I see it!” she said skeptically, adding “…but I hope you do.”

In a couple of weeks I’ll be doing just that – returning to the Bondage Capital of the World in order to be part of the launch of a great new project. sparQ.com is a sex positive place with educational, erotic, and useful content, whether that’s a hot story, an article about having better orgasms, or a sex toy review.

They’re starting things off on February 26th with a bang (no, not that kind) with a gallery night called “the Art of the Sensual” in Pewaukee (that’s a suburb of the suburb of the Bondage Capital). There will be erotic readings, a gallery full of stimulating art, and they’ve invited Naiia and myself to come and do some rope performance.

What’s P Got to Do With It?

Glad you asked. No, I’m not going to do anything scandalous. In fact, I’m looking forward to not doing the typical rough-and-tumble rope that I’ve been doing for many years. As with my performance with DoNotGoGently in New York City recently, I’m going for something different, something more sensual, something that hasn’t been done before.

Almost as if to aid me in my quest is the appearance of Gar Reynolds’ The Naked Presenter in the mail yesterday, a birthday present from CunningMinx (who still knows my tastes quite well, it seems). I started reading it this morning, and came to a section on “creative constraints.” Gar put some pretty strange ones on himself for the book, limiting himself to ten chapters and deciding that the principles he talks about should all begin with the letter P:

Preparation
Punch
Presence
Projection
Passion
Proximity
Play
Pace
Participation
Power

…with one extra P, Persistence, just to show that rules are made to be broken.

I haven’t read more than the first chapter at this point, but it’s already stirring some creative juices. These are all the things that go into a good presentation, yes, but also into a good scene, and I’m fascinated to see how I can apply these things more consciously to the upcoming performance.

If you’d like to see it, check out the Facebook link above, or just come out to Pewaukee on the 26th of February for the event.

It will be a Pleasure to see you…