Archive for the GRUE Category

For the Unconference Skeptics…

Posted in community, cool people, event, GRUE, NeatEvent on December 8, 2010 by Gray

I just finished reading Harrison Owen’s book “Open Space Technology” in preparation for a facilitator’s training conference I’m going to in a week (want to help me get there? Donations happily accepted!). It’s a fun and easy read, and if you’ve been to a GrUE, you’ll find yourself nodding over and over again, saying “Yep, that’s what it was like.” Even occasionally laughing; one of my favorite lines was Owen’s admission that “It seemed like a good idea at the time, and besides the gin had run out.”

But even after nineteen successful GrUE’s in three years and two countries – yes, that’s right, nineteen – I still hear the same things from people. “Such-and-so is skeptical of the Unconference Model.” “Unless you have a list of presenters, no one will come.” “I’m really turned off by the idea of no organization.”

I can understand that. It was driven home to me quite well by a friend who was describing an event he’s trying to organize. “You’d like it, Gray!” he exclaimed. “We’re going to run it kind of like a GrUE, where there’s nothing really planned, and everybody just gets to do what they want!”

My gut reaction (not what I said to him) was to recoil in horror. That sounded like an awful idea for a conference. This was followed by a terrifying thought: OMG – is that what people hear me saying when I talk about a GrUE?

Perhaps it is. So I’m a little more careful now, and describe it more as:

A GrUE uses Open Space Technology principles (developed in 1985 and used in over 60,000 different events) to enable participants to self-organize a conference filled only with the issues and activities they care deeply about. It creates a unique event filled with passion and responsibility and unexpected connections within the group.

I dunno. I still like the other descriptions, such as “It’s like everybody brings their own book, and we get together and create a library” or even better, “It’s like Burning Man crossed with TED Talks for kinky people*” or something to that effect.

Proof of Concept

However, if the nineteen GrUEs (and the first gathering of The Usual Suspects, which you’ll hear about in a pending podcast) isn’t enough to convince people that this system can work, well, there’s other concrete evidence. Harrison Own talks about some of the clients he’s worked with, including the very first Open Space he facilitated, for 75 DuPont engineers determining the fate of Dacron. He talks about the 250 Boeing employees who used the process to quickly and efficiently address an airplane door redesign that was implemented worldwide. But most impressive to me was the story of the AT&T Olympic Pavilion in Atlanta:

Six months before the 1996 Olympic games in Atlanta 1996, AT&T was invited to move its pavilion from the edge of the Olympic village to the center. That was the good news. The bad news was that the AT&T design team had just completed 10 months of hard work on the first version, and now there was a need to redesign it at a new place to serve 75,000 customers a day instead of 5,000, and to finish the design in half the time.

It was clearly understood that there was no way to do it by the linear process it done before. The 23 members of the design team were a dispirited group when they assembled to meet the challenge. One of the group member’s commented: ” we are about to turn a disaster into a catastrophe.” Two days later, the atmosphere was rather different. A totally new design had been created; everybody agreed that it was much better than the first design. As they planned, they ordered materials for delivery. Perhaps most important, everybody was still talking to each other, and some of them even described it as a ‘fun’ undertaking.

Using Open Space Technology made all the difference.

–source: Self Organization in Social Systems

So, if it was good enough for Ma Bell to put it in charge of a $200,000,000.00 one-chance investment with an impossible deadline and succeed…well, if that’s not enough proof of concept, then you’re never going to be convinced.

And that’s ok. We’ll continue to have them without you, and you can just come join us when you’re ready.

We miss you.

Nah. That Open Space Woo-woo Shit Never Works.

*Thanks to Naiia for reminding me & Caritas Joy for coming up with the analogy in the first place!

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Cad-egorizing Naiia

Posted in cool people, family, GRUE, play, Rope Bondage on November 17, 2010 by Gray

“Labels, and Why I Hate Them” was one of the classes Vesper suggested at the recent Madison Satyricon GrUE, and it seemed to coincide well with my own proposed class: “WHATCHAMACALLIT: Finding Different Words for What It Is We Do.” The discussion itself was very enjoyable, and probably could have gone on far longer than originally intended. One insight that came from it was the realization that for some people, words have relational meaning, whereas for others, they have meaning in terms of identity.

DJ, a fantastic rope top from St. Louis, used the example of the word “Master.” To him, it is possible to be a Master without necessarily having a slave; it is a state of being, integral to the idea of self for many people. Others such as T-One (another great rope top from St. Louis, what’s up with that?) feels that Master is a statement of relationship, such as husband or father; you have to have the complement in order to have the identity.

Someone said, exasperated, “Do we really need more words?” to which I have to say, well, yes. When DJ uses the word “Master” he was talking about something different than when T-One used the word. They were using the same word to talk about two different things. That means there needs to be more words – whether in terms of labels, or at the very least in terms of further conversation.

Recently I’ve found that there are also causal changes to the meanings of words – not just nouns, but verbs. Naiia has told me of the many, many people – nice, well-meaning people – who have been asking her if she’s “all right.” They’re referring to my move to Pittsburgh, and what they perceive as abandoning a relationship, leaving Naiia completely to her own devices there in the Bondage Capital of the World. “After all, you moved there for him,” several people have said, “it must be hard.”

To which Naiia and I both say,

Huh? sound clip

See, we were there. We were there for the two years of long-distance friendship that developed some distinct benefits, including great sex, D/s dynamics, and the fits of giggles we’d go into any time we tried being all “soft & gentle.” We were there as she grew more and more disenchanted with her home in D.C., both due to former relationships and due to her job.

We were there when I heard of a job opportunity in Madison, and told her about it. Like any good friend, I offered to let her stay with me until she found her own place.

That job didn’t work out, and the economy being what it is, she ended up staying with me longer than expected, and that “friends with benefits” situation made it even more pleasant. We even tried some 24/7 D/s, and she was a lovely and attentive girl, but I was not able to comfortably settle into that dynamic.

But I love my Naiia, and it showed. And I guess it makes sense that people would automatically assume several things, because they seemed logical:

Gray and Naiia are lovers.

True.

Naiia and Gray obviously enjoy a D/s dynamic.

Oh, yeah, there was that time that she –

That’s why she moved out here.

Huh? Um, no, see above –

The two of them are a couple.

Well, depends on how you define it – we’re not BF/GF, more BFF w/Benefits, if you must -

Gray is leaving? She’s going to be abandoned!

What?!? No!! Remember the two years before that, when she was in D.C. and I was in…

…at which point I just shake my head and realize that it’s probably hopeless to try and change popular perception.

Then I shake my head again, and realize I have to try.

Why?

Well, it comes back to that situation of identity that we were talking about at the beginning of this blog post. An important part of my identity is not abandoning responsibilities. The obvious example is my children, but there are others that verge on the ridiculous – situations where I should have stopped long before I did, refusing to follow W.C. Fields’ advice: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use making a damn fool of yourself about it.”

More often than not I’d prefer to have the label Damn Fool than the label Cad. And since I take D/s relationships very seriously – if Naiia had moved up to Madison in order to be my girl, I would indeed be having second thoughts about “leaving” her there, even with the excellent support network of friends that she’s made over the past year.

But I also have trouble with this word “leaving“. Most of our relationship was spent apart, communicating through email, text, and chat, and the occasional event where she was my “native guide” and a superb demo bottom. The fact that she also was a fellatrix extraordinaire was, well, I confess, an added bonus, especially when doing interviews for John Baku’s podcast, but the point is: distance didn’t keep our relationship from developing; why on earth would I let it stop now? That would make no sense at all, and while I’ve been known to do some stupid things, that is not one of them.

So the reality for Naiia and I (and for DoNotGoGently, the reason I did move to Pittsburgh) is that our relationship is just as wonderful and enjoyable as it has been – but with some distance which is, admittedly, inconvenient. We do what we used to do – bitch about our jobs, snark about politics, send each other dirty pictures found on the web. When we are together, such as at the Truly Bound 2 event or the Madison S’GrUE, there is laughter, there is watching Dexter, eating lasagna and taco bell and oh, yes, much violent fucking, beating, spanking, biting, and the oral sex and occasional leather boot to the head.

But what’s the word for that?

That’s our reality; it’s what actually exists, but how do you explain that? Naiia and I tend not to really care, to be honest; we call ourselves “best friends”, we call ourselves “lovers”, we used to call ourselves “roommates”, but really, we are what we are to each other, and ca suffit. It’s hard for people that see us together, though, because they see a situation and want to put a label connected with all sorts of other expectations and connotations onto it. She’s kneeling at his feet. She must be his slave. All sorts of assumptions about future plans, living conditions, other relationships are made along with that, regardless of their accuracy.

As if that’s not enough, DoNotGoGently has to deal with it from the other end, where people try to go from labels to understanding the relationship. I heard the frustration in her voice as she’d tried to explain where I was this past weekend.

Gray’s at a GrUE? Why aren’t you there?

Well, he’s at this one with Naiia.

Oh, so you’re doing that whole mono/poly thing. How’s that working?

Actually, no, as part of “coming out day” he came out as not poly or mono, so that -

But…then what is Naiia, to him?

Well, they’re lovers, and best friends, and -

Oh, so he just gets to have whatever relationship he wants and you just deal with it?

At this point a certain look of pity tends to come over the face of whoever is trying to understand, because obviously a monogamous person wants to be with a monogamous person, whereas a poly person (or, in this case, not-monogamous-or-polyamorous) can just be with anyone. Right?

(sigh). But that’s another blog post.

Reality Trumps Perception

I think the point of this one comes back to Mark Twain’s comment: The map is not the territory. I can show you a map with labels and the places and events I’ve shared with Naiia, and even come up with some labels that might give you an idea of what parts of our relationship are like. The truth is, though, I will never be a good enough writer to convey exactly what it was like staring into her eyes while DJPet’s GrUE mix played in the dance hall where the GrUE play party was held. Maybe if you combined a violet wand, a netti pot, and the first time you saw the Matrix into one experience you’d come close, but even that’s inadequate. Maybe the time your best friend and you both aced a hard exam you’d been studying for plus the time she first did that thing you fantasized about but were afraid to ask for plus the taste of cinnamon hot chocolate on a crisp fall sunday morning as you triumphantly finish the NYT crossword.

Yeah. That’s close. But still not there. The fact is, even the thousand words that this picture is worth (plus the 1500 I’ve spent blathering on the subject) aren’t adequate. And if I’m having this much trouble explaining it in broad terms, no wonder it becomes more difficult to explain it in exact terms to those who need to know, such as my girlfriend DoNotGoGently?

Accepting the Is-ness of Us

A while back, while I was mentoring a group of LGBTQ teens in a theater group, I heard the group questioning a young man. “Are you gay? Straight? Bi?”

He looked at them with a calm, almost amused expression. “I’m John.”That said it all (and yes, I changed the name to protect the not-so-innocent, though he’s been an adult for a while now).

I think that has to be the answer, really. It’s got to just come down to the subject and the verb, with no predicate to muddy the issue. When asked the question What are we? we have to either be prepared to get into a long conversation about boundaries, sacred spaces, intimacy, trust, communication, and blowjobs, or else simply give the easiest answer.

We are.

C’est tout.

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Madison, WI: The Rope Bondage Capital of the World

Posted in community, cool people, family, GRUE, Rope Bondage, ropecast on October 23, 2010 by Gray

One of the surest ways to get a laugh in any public situation I’m in is to talk about where I’m from. Much like my own epithet (Ninja Sex Poodle Ronin of Love!) I’ve given a subtitle to my hometown. Whether on a podcast or being introduced at a swanky bar filled with NYCs eroticarati, the phrase “…he comes from the Bondage Capital of the World, Madison, WI!” gets a chuckle all the time.

Sometimes it also draws challenges. At Sex 2.0, in Seattle, I had a woman at my presentation (which, by the way, was not about rope) demand to know why I lied in my bio. “You say you’re from the Bondage Capital!” she said, but you’re not from Seattle! Jaccuse!*”

I asked her why she thought Seattle deserved that title more than Madison, and her response was “Well, how many hard points do you have in your play space? How many suspensions can you have going at the same time?” That’s a hard question, since Madison doesn’t actually have its own play space, but I countered with “What does suspension have to do with being the Bondage Capital?” It took the conversation in a different direction, even to the point of a challenge to a bondage duel where I’d do floorwork and she’d do suspension and wed see who was more creative. She didn’t take up the challenge, which is a pity; I really wasn’t certain that I’d win, but I was positive it would be interesting.

More recently some folks in the NYC Rope Bomb Squad wanted to claim it, and I told them the same thing I’m telling you. If you want to know where the Rope Bondage Capital of the World is, Google it. Or Bing it, or Yahoo search it. You’ll see the top five results in every case are multiple sources (including the Onions A.V. Club, Polyweekly, and the Boston Rope Group) referring to Madison as the “Rope Bondage Capital of the World.”

Now, admittedly, this is me using the Fox News technique of repeating something until it becomes commonly known as fact, regardless as to the evidence to the contrary. In fact, there might be a lesson to be learned from that in other aspects of rope bondage, such as the mis-named “shinju” chest harness. (Its. Not. a. Shinju. and. Never. Was.).

But I’m not defensive. I can’t even claim that I intended for the appellation to stick, to become a Google Fact. While I’d be tickled pink to have it added to the “Welcome to Madison” sign, I’m not holding my breath.

So if you want your town to become the Bondage Capital of the World, make it so. Nobody stopped me; nobody’s stopping you. I’d like to see it happen, in fact.

Oh, and to dispel one rumor: many people, upon hearing of my pending move to Pittsburgh**, are speculating that it will become the Rope Bondage Capital of the World. That’s just silly. Capitals don’t follow people around, people flock to the capitals. With people like Karcus and ElevateInWI and Evinxiamor and Miss Lilly it’s got a pretty strong pool of rope talent. Its also the birthplace of events like Twisted Tryst and MadTownKinkFest and, oh yeah, this little thing called the GRUE, as well. Not to mention being the place where the Ropecast was conceived and nourished over the years.

No, when I’m in Pittsburgh, I will be expatriate from the Bondage Capital of the World, and that’s just fine.

Now, whether or not Pittsburgh becomes the HQ of the Ninja Sex Poodle Brigade, that’s another story…

Naiia Happily Suspended in Madison, WI, the Rope Bondage Capitol of the World

Suspension in the Rope Bondage Capitol of the World

*I may have made that last part up.
**Yes, I'm moving to Pittsburgh sometime in November.

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Breaking News on the DC GRUE

Posted in GRUE, NeatEvent, play on August 11, 2010 by Gray

That’s right: the DC GRUE is going to be in town the same day as Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck. Now, while I’d certainly enjoy a lot of things that could go on with this idea, I think the true way to really celebrate this is to pay tribute to them. A Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin BDSM Fantasy Contest, perhaps?

Of course, I had to play around with some animation software and make this up:

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Ropecast Interview with Peter Tupper

Posted in art, cool people, GRUE, Rope Bondage, ropecast on August 6, 2010 by Gray

This podcast features:

  • a Ropecast Vocabulary Primer,
  • news about rope pride patches
  • a discount code for Ropecast Listeners from MauiKink: GDTC15 for 15% off most things!
  • Then it’s an interview with Peter Tupper, kink historian and author of the forthcoming “Innocent’s Progress” coming from Circlet Press (check out their steampunk erotica anthology “Like a Whisp of Steam” for a taste of his work!)

Send your comments, questions, or pictures of beautifully bound boobies & buttocks to Graydancer@gmail.com, or follow on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/ropecast

Direct download: Ropecast0080610_PeterTupper1.mp3

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Michigan Bestiary Entry #2: from Vague

Posted in cool people, GRUE, Rope Bondage, ropecast, twisted monk on June 15, 2010 by Gray

Not to be outdone by Ropeboi’s entry, Vague Defined has come up with his own artistic patter…giving him ready entry to the final Twisted Monk/Ropecast Giveaway at the upcoming Detroit GRUE. Remember that all attendees of the GRUE are also given an entry – so you could win $50 of rope just by showing up!

Ladies and gentlemen, tops and bottoms, masters and slaves, sadists and masochists, step right up, step right up to where nothing is what it seems!

It’s worse.

Right behind this door lies of a cornucopia of carnality, a plethora of perversion, the most psychologically malformed, maligned, misshapen monsters Michigan has to offer.

Isn’t that worth a measly five dollars?*

Come see the woman whose hair grew so long we braided it into a 12 gauge, 3-strand rope and hogtied her with it! Come see the legendary Ropunzel!

No groaning at my puns sir, save your groans and your cries of mercy for Ultimate Domme, who uses rope to tie her victims down! “Why,” you ask? Because even gravity safewords when she is topping!

Come on in, step right up, step right up, see the Twue Submissive! He had his hands and feet replaced with carabiners to make rope scenes easier, and would have had his head replaced with a suspensions ring if the surgeon hadn’t sobered up!

Step right up, for just five dollars see the Human Tripod, it’s not what you think ma’am, the Hall of Genital Abormalities is three tents down! No, these are the legendary siamese triplets, they suspend their bottoms from their three conjoined heads. It’s something you’ll never see again on this good Earth my friends!

So step right up, come on in, for a mere portrait of Abe Lincoln you can see these and more wonders of fabled Michigan. If you dare...

While I don’t have the rights to any of the images, this entry can’t help but evoke the work of Jeffrey Scott, aka 1019. Especially this, this, and this…and if that model looks familiar, perhaps you saw her also when Lochai rigged her for Occupied (look for image 30).

Send in your entries for the Michigan Bestiary by June 27th for your own chance to win!

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Yummy Creamy Goodness from Canada

Posted in art, cool people, GRUE, photography, Rope Bondage, ropecast on June 4, 2010 by Gray

Ah, those Canadians…how I do love them. From the co-creator of my book Kumir to the Control Enthusiast to my bubbly, vivacious, friendly, and bane-of-my-ankle roommate from Sex 2.0, Alpine Subdreams. You may remember her from the Car theme with a toy car suspended from her labia. Now we have something else: a lovely rope-y chocolate-ice-cream nipplicious entry:

Alpine Subdreams and her Chocolate Nipples

Alpine Subdreams and her Chocolate Nipples

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ToroGRUE sont fait!

Posted in cool people, event, GRUE, Rope Bondage, ropecast, twisted monk on May 4, 2010 by Gray

(apologies to any truly fluent French speakers out there, I never really got the whole tenses thing).

The Control Enthusiast & Graydancer in the Kitchen Makin' Mancakes!

Ok, so there was actually a lot more at the ToroGRUE than pancakes. However, I think this will be forever one of my favorite pictures from the event. Many more to come, by the way; Ganymancer and CreativeSir were official GRUE photogs and they were snapping away throughout. A gallery will be forthcoming…

The Control Enthusiast managed to pull off what is probably the epitome of how the GRUE is designed to work. It was smooth, we had over 20 class sessions, people were involved, and many came out of it with new insights, relationships, and questions that will ripple far beyond the event.

I was especially interested in seeing how the GRUE continued into the Sunday time – yes, we ate pancakes, but then we fulfilled the promise of a “Grappling session”, an in-depth discussion on the philosophies of service, and a cigar play round table (well, round, anyway, as we were all out back smokin’ cubans provided by PBTees). Add to this a couple of impromptu vaginal fisting technique and spanking technique mini-sessions, and you have a whole mini-GRUE following the whole day saturday.

I also have to mention how blown away I was by the skills and presentation ability of Lotus Lily. She dove right into the GRUE with a presentation on partial suspension, and as I watched her rig I was amazed and humbled – her hands move with a sureness and speed that reminds me of Lqqkout. She also stepped up to the plate as my demo bottom (literally!) for “Rope & Impact Play” and later taught a very comprehensive self-suspension class. When I found out later that she was doing all this after working a full night shift, I was astounded. She’s good. If you’re looking for a rope presenter, she has my recommendation.

Of course things like the class list, the fishbowl questions, and more will be coming. But meanwhile, if all this sounds good to you, check out the Boston GRUE coming up in June. Too short notice?  TNG Pittsburgh just announced that they’ll be hosting the first Pittsburgh GRUE in April of 2011!

One more thing…

Yes, we did give away the Twisted Monk/Ropecast $50 Gift Certificate – and to find out who won, you’ll have to listen to the Ropecast (coming out later tonight). However, if you’re anxious to get in on the next round of competition, the theme has been selected – by “Ooh Spicy”, another great new friend from the GRUE.

Since the next giveaway will be done in Boston, when I asked what the theme should be, he piped up immediately with:

Cream.

Yep. That’s the theme. Send in your entries (written, audio, or pics – pics are ALWAYS appreciated) to graydancer@gmail.com.

And yes, we will also be doing a Ropecast on the best way to clean your rope…

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