Archive for the Rope Bondage Category

« Older Entries

Suspension Bondage is for Lazy Tops

Posted in art, NeatEvent, play, Rope Bondage, writing with tags , , , , , on July 1, 2011 by Gray

They say that the key to a good blog post is saying something controversial, hence the title. It’s not a joke, though; fair warning, what you read here may anger you. Either at me, at yourself, or at your top, depending.

The lovely Symetrie rigged by the author

At Shibaricon I was a bit busy. Which is kind of like saying Ms. Bachmann’s grasp on reality is “a bit” tenuous. I followed Mollena’s Admonition and was DAMN sure I was available for those playdates that I did schedule, and also did my best to be a good Poly Rope Top and made time for both my partner DoNotGoGently and my long-distance lover Naiia.

But it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was exhausting. I was also running classes, doing the cabaret, helping out as part of the staff…so by the time DNGG and I finally got to the designated time and space for our planned suspension scene, the dungeon was packed. I was tired. We wandered around, saw a lot of hot rope people doing hot rope things, but not one empty hard point. Ditto for the other playspaces – nary a hard point free.

Rope etiquette would dictate that we simply stage our bags near a scene that was going on, wait for it to finish, and take over the point. However, remember the “busy” part above? Remember the “exhausted”? Neither of us had the reserves to wait for a scene. More than that, the stresses of Shibaricon had taken their toll, emotionally, on the two of us. We needed a good scene with each other, and we needed it sooner than later.

Well, I’m one of those who’s always talking up floorwork, right? Talking about how suspension is fine, but overrated? So we dragged our gear back to the main dungeon, claimed some floor space with a sheet, and started some rope work.

Almost immediately when the ropes went on her, DNGG closed her eyes. She wasn’t going into “rope space” as it’s commonly understood, but it was obvious to me as I bound her tighter and tighter that this was going to be an internalized experience for her, a journey in which I would be a guide and guardian but not so much a participant.

That’s not a bad thing at all; it’s one of the many rich ways that rope can provide a great experience. So I continued to tie, to expose parts of her body, stimulate them with pinches and strokes and slaps and caresses. DNGG’s reactions are subtle but beautiful, and I was watching her closely, monitoring her state of mind and sensation as best I could in a busy, loud dungeon.

After a time, I began to take her out. I don’t know how long it was – maybe forty five minutes? There hadn’t been any obvious “WE ARE DONE NOW” signs, like mind-blowing orgasms or tears or even really any communication beyond body language. In fact, I wasn’t really sure that we should have been done at that time – it was simply my best guess at when both her energy and mine were at a level where we could come out of the scene gracefully. I wasn’t sure that I’d really given her a good path through the rope, or an adequate experience. I just had to trust that she would either forgive me if I hadn’t (that’s part of being in a relationship, after all) or let me know what she needed that was more.

As I took the ropes off of her, slowly, bit by bit, a strange thought occurred to me: Damn, I really wish we could have done that suspension instead.

It seemed like a strange thought. Why would I have rather done suspension? I’m not attached to the art, not even especially good at it (though I’m adequate enough when called upon). But there was no denying it: I wished, in that moment, that I could have done suspension instead of floorwork.

Why?

I thought about it a lot, and eventually realized: suspension is dynamically easy. It has a very clear path:

  1. Negotiation
  2. Physical evaluation of bottom
  3. Physical creation/evaluation of hard point
  4. Tying of harness to bottom
  5. Suspension
  6. Monitoring/transitional positions (sometimes several if you’re awesome like Lqqkout or Wykd Dave or Claire Adams)
  7. Safe lowering to floor.
  8. Removal of ropes/Aftercare

How do you know you did a good suspension? Easy: the bottom walks away with a smile. Hell, sometimes it’s just “the bottom walks away.” If they didn’t fall, it’s a success. Anything else – beauty, orgasms, appreciation from the audience – that’s all gravy. And frankly, even “rope space” is easy, because the stresses of the body being supported in a strange way within the ropes will trigger endorphins much more quickly than many other activities, and the feeling of having the ropes taken off/aftercare neurochemically transitions into oxytocin release giving that happy feeling of belonging, being cared for (in both top AND bottom).

In short: it’s an easy way to fix your jonesing for a rope scene.

Contrast that with a floorwork rope scene:

  1. Negotiation/evaluation of bottom (setting boundaries, basically, and maybe setting a tone: “pain”, “pleasure”, “beauty”)
  2. Tie some rope
  3. Do some stuff
  4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 for a while
  5. Untie the ropes
  6. Aftercare.

It’s not as clear a picture. And while yes, I can agree that “the bottom walking away with a smile” is still a good indication of a good scene, I would argue that the other “success” marker – the bottom walking away – is not there.

It’s harder to do a good scene on the floor, because you don’t have the obvious markers showing the way.

As I realized this, I thought about the way suspension is such a big thing in the rope scene. I thought about the way new rope tops focus on gaining suspension skills (new rope bottoms, too). And I frankly have come to the conclusion that at least some of the motivation is laziness. Why go to the trouble of delving into an unclear realm such as floorwork when you can put yourself in a situation where very clear steps and very clear paths are laid out to allow you to say “I did good”?

Before the flames start, please note that I am not saying that it is impossible to have a deep and meaningful suspension scene. The artistry of people like Osada Steve, Ageha, Arisue Go, Wykd Dave, Lqqkout, Kogure, Midori, and others who do suspension regularly is undeniable and I would be the first to say so.

But I’m suggesting that when doing suspension, we riggers and bottoms might want to ask “Why?” Are we taking the easy way out? Are we substituting physics for connection, simply because it’s easier?

Or is it just me?


13 Comments »

Dude, Where’s my Rope?

Posted in cool people, NeatEvent, Rope Bondage with tags , , , , on May 4, 2011 by Gray

Are you excited about Shibaricon? Me, too. But especially if this is your first time coming, and you’re coming from far away, you may be wondering: how can I get my rope to Shibaricon?

As someone who travels regularly with rope and other toys, I can tell you my personal secret: Pay the damn fees. Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but while I’ve accumulated a nice collection of TSA inspection forms, I’ve never had anything – from basic Twisted Monk rope to high-end MauiKink exotic wood paddles – get taken. I’ve heard various other horror stories (including one from Midori who had all kinds of stuff taken) but my own experience is that if you just fork over the cash, I don’t worry.

I’ve tried other methods, including one that is often recommended by others on discussions like this one on Fetlife to mail the packages, but I’ve found that there’s an element of risk in relying on others to mail or hold your packages. I’ve still got a lot of my rope sitting in the back of someone’s car in San Francisco because they haven’t found the time to mail it to me, and SherynB mentions that “almost all large hotels charge substantial receiving and holding fees, and I’d be surprised if the Hyatt was an exception. It’s been a few years, since I did hotel conferences, but my guess would be $20-25 a box, or more, based on weight. So if you’re going to do it, call first so you know what to expect.”

Which looks more dangerous to you?

This year I have the advantage that my partner is driving in from the Bondage Burgh, and so my gear bag will just be thrown in the back of her car.

If you do decide to brave the TSA and carry on your rope (It’s for climbing! Honest!) just remember they are arbitrary, fickle, and logic will not work. CherriesJubalie and Lqqkout had the interesting experience of traveling to the same event – Beyond Leather – and while TSA was fine with Lqqkout’s five-foot heavy-steel chain in his carry-on, they insisted that Cherry remove her nipple piercings in order to go through the metal detector (note: Cherry has investigated and found that this is NOT TSA policy, so if you are asked to do this and you don’t want to, know that you can insist on a “visual screening” instead of removing them).

In short, if you’re bringing gear, pay the damn fees. It’s the safest way to transport them.

What’s your plan for getting your gear to Shibaricon?

Leave A Comment »

Subclavian Massage Technique Works!

Posted in community, cool people, play, Rope Bondage, ropecast on May 2, 2011 by Gray

This just in: it works!

Gray,

Thanks for sharing Voron’s massage technique for the box tie.  I was happily suspending a lovely naked woman, last night.  She, foolishly, ignored tingling in he left hand until it was “asleep”.  I applied the massage and she had feeling back, right away!  I took her down and out of the ropes and continued the massage.  Her hand felt “normal” within a minute.

My “rope god” status was elevated by the 3 young, beautiful women in my living room.  All of who, went home to fuck their ropeless boyfriends, not me.  Oh well, I guess I shouldn’t have played down the whole “rope god” thing.

Thanks for all the info you share.  Your podcast riches the rope community.

This email from Kale is referring to the video below (if you missed it the first time). There actually are a couple of more techniques coming down the pipe…I was trying to be all sneaky and release them first on Fetlife to encourage people to support that site but I think I’ll just be putting them out there as part of the Ropecast.

Anyone else try it out and have it work?

1 Comment »

How to Find the Perfect Play Partner

Posted in community, cool people, Rope Bondage, sex education, twisted monk, writing on March 23, 2011 by Gray

It’s funny, when I’m looking over my Google Reader. I’ve got a strange mishmash of feeds…Twisted Monk and Mistress Matisse and Ten and Mollena, of course, but then it veers into Lifehacker and Mnmlist and Hardcore Zen. Then we take another only slight turn to the right into productivity and entrepreneurial blogs like Seth Godin and Chris Brogan, and from there into pure porn…Bend Me Over and Elspeth Demina and Some Dirty Secrets and the like.

And you’d think that I’d get blogging material from the kinky people. Or from some zen philosophy. Or maybe inspiration from the images (“Hell, I can do that, and I know the guy that did that, and wouldn’t Mauikink toys make a good replication of that…”).

But no. Looking through them today, seeking blogging inspiration, it was sales giant Seth Godin who gave me my first inspiration, and the wholesome money-thrifty blog Simple Dollar that gave me the second.

Let me digress for a bit. One of the most common and most heartbreaking question I get is “How do I get to be a hot rope top, with everybody wanting me to tie them up?” Sometimes they will point at someone who they want to emulate, or (in confidence) at someone who they want to play with. “How can I get her to play with me?” is what they’re really asking.

Usually they’re talking about some hot bi babe that I’ve just done a scene with, and I tell them, quite honestly, that the way to play with the hot bi babes is to stop caring that they’re hot bi babes. At that point, they’re everywhere, and more than happy to play…but you don’t really care. Call it the Unicorn Paradox.

But the Simple Dollar put it far better than I ever did, and did it simply:

It’s not about having the right partner. It’s about being the right partner.

Every second you are trying to figure out how to make yourself more attractive to…whoever it is you want to play with…you are wasting your time. Why? Because the motivation is coming from outside of yourself. That makes it inauthentic, and people can usually smell somebody who’s faking it from across the dungeon. And even if you succeed, you are succeeding under false premises. You are not being you, you’re being someone you think they’ll like. Eventually, you will come back out, or, more likely, you’ll discover they aren’t all that after all.

Instead, you need to simply make yourself the most attractive person to yourself. What needs to happen to make you feel good about yourself? Is it weight? Is it clothes? Is it intellect? Be honest. Ask yourself what it is, then ask yourself why. And every time you answer with “…because then the guys will like me…” chuck that one out. Look for the ones that have “…because then I feel good…” or some variation thereof in it. I do my exercise regimen quite publicly via twitter, or even at the GRUE, and it’s not because I want Raven Lightholme to be impressed with my guns. Are you kidding? I’m forty-fucking-two years old, and I’m never going to look like Shaun T. Never. But I like how my body moves when I’m in shape, the way it feels to walk down the street, the added stamina it gives me when I’m slamming into her fine…ahem. You get the idea. I do it because when I do it I feel more like me.

So. You got the thing, or things, that make you feel more like you? The things that are going to make you into the right partner for whoever your partner is? Great! The next step is easy, too.

Fucking do something about it.

And that’s where Seth Godin enters the picture. He closed a recent blog post with a phrase that I wish I could tattoo on my forearm. It is the one phrase that I would send back to my elementary school self, over-intellectual and under-athletic and nerdy and waiting miserably to be selected last for kickball. Yeah, I was that kid. And I wish I could have a time tunnel to go back and whisper Seth’s words in his ear:

No one is going to pick you. Pick yourself.

Nobody’s asked you to teach? Well, first develop the skills (both in teaching and in your subject, the two are not the same) and then just go to classes and help out people who might be having trouble. I know people who have started podcasts just for the hell of it. Who have stepped up to help out people they don’t even know. Who have created their own publishing companies simply because they feel there are voices that need to be heard. Who have created their own events just because it was getting too complicated to go to other people’s.

Well, ok, the last one was me, and it didn’t exactly work out as planned. But that’s ok, it worked out better. And I’m pretty sure that if you pick yourself, rather than waiting around for somebody to tell you what to do, it will work out better than you can imagine, as well.

I’m not even going to address any “Yeah, but…” arguments. Sorry. Whatever you’re facing, I doubt it’s worse than what Hideaki Akaiwa faced and triumphed over. Sorry, folks, but he has removed any excuse from the table for quite a while.

So yeah, I cheated. How to find the perfect play partner? Become the perfect play partner.

And then play with yourself.

2 Comments »

Why?

Posted in play, Rope Bondage with tags , , , , , on February 25, 2011 by Gray

Graydancer & Ms. Lily Discuss the Why's of Flogging at Club Inferno

As I took some alone time this morning to read another chapter in Gar Reynolds’ excellent Naked Presenter, he talked about the first question that should be asked before beginning to work on any presentation: Why?

It makes sense. Many people have the what and know the how but don’t bother to figure out why their intended audience should care. As usual, my mind went to the kink scene, and in particular the scenes that I’ve seen that are just that: stunts, or using equipment just because it’s there, or just because that’s what was taught that day. Nothing wrong with that, but in my opinion that’s called “practice”, and isn’t the mind-blowing connection that so many people long for in their kink (myself included).

So, somewhere between the negotiation and checking all your safety gear, why not try asking these five questions:

  • Why does this person want to play?
  • Why do I want to play with this person?
  • Why does this person want to play with me?
  • Why am I choosing this tool/space/kink?
  • Why does this turn me on?

Ask the questions. Listen to the answers. If they’re not good enough…maybe something needs to change. Maybe not. But at least you have a more clear idea of why you’re doing things, something more than “…because that’s what kinky people do.”

As Lee Harrington put it: “If you don’t jack off to flogging, why the fuck are you doing it?”

Why?

1 Comment »

The Numbers of Kink

Posted in community, cool people, play, proporn, Rope Bondage, sex education on February 24, 2011 by Gray

You may have heard: recently I joined the staff of the Kink Academy (affiliate link) as their “Editor Extraordinaire”. I get to get my hands dirty with video again, creating short segments of the best sex educators around sharing their stuff. Yesterday I edited a piece on eye contact for intimacy, a piece on warming up your partner’s ass for anal play, and a piece on stretching for bottoms preparing to be bound.

Good stuff. And all yours for the introductory price of $9.95/month, or $75 a year.

The funny thing is, there are people who not only think that’s too much, there are people who apparently harass Kali for daring to charge at all. There seems to be some anathema to the idea of making a profit while educating.

So let me get this straight:

People are willing to pay, oh, let’s say $125 for an event (we’ll assume it’s early bird pricing). This is an event that lasts one weekend, during which time, if they’re lucky, they’ll get to sit through, oh, ten classes (that’s assuming they can crawl out of bed after a play party). The event may have a huge number of great presenters, but you can only sit in their classes one at a time. And while you can still take notes in classes (that hasn’t been banned – yet) you can’t record what happens in any form. Not audio, not pics, certainly not video.

You pay $200-$450 for hotel and food.

You walk into the vendor area and drop $175 for a flogger, $300 for a corset, and $45 for those fantastic four-inch Ingrid stilettoes from the Shoe Guy. (Quick question: did you see anyone yelling at any of the vendors for “profiting from other people’s sexuality”?).

Total cost for a great weekend? Around $1000. With some material goods you can keep, but mostly the joy of an experience. I got to talk to Mollena Williams. I got to watch Scott Smith. I learned photography from David Lawrence. I was part of Shibaricon 2011!

Great presenters, all. The event was full of ‘em. And, with a few exceptions, most weren’t paid a dime for their experience or teaching time. If they were lucky they had books or DVDs they could hawk at their classes, but if not, well, then your thanks was all the reward they asked for.

And that’s fine, as far as it goes. What I don’t get is why someone who is passionate enough about their kink to drop a grand on a weekend that will fade into memory balks at paying $75 (that’s what, half a flogger?) for a full year of over 50 educators – the same ones you see at the events – teaching on a huge variety of subjects whenever you want. You can check out their free videos, too, which give a pretty good taste of what’s inside, and are also a free resource in and of themselves.

Madison Young Teaches "Zen Submissive"

It’s streaming video. You can watch Madison Young’s oral sex tips over and over and over (and believe me, you will want to). It’s there when you need it, a refresher before a play date, an exploration into a new kink, or even to check out a presenter who’s going to be at the next event you’re at. Four new videos a week, all year long, never archived: you can join today and have literally hours of explicit kinky instruction at your disposal.

Oh, and every single person involved in that video was paid for their time. The presenters and the models. Paid quite well, in fact, because Kink Academy believes their time and knowledge are valuable and they deserve to be rewarded for it. When you join Kink Academy, you are saying thanks to the presenters in a directly financial way.

Me and Raven Lightholme (of FreedomofFetish.com) talking about Making Out

I’m not saying you should join, mind you. That would be disingenuous, as I’ve got an obviously personal stake in the matter. No, I just want people to stop pretending that money isn’t support, and that somehow going to an event that doesn’t pay presenters is more valid than joining an educational site that does.

6 Comments »

Must-See Video: The Twisted Monk YouTube Channel

Posted in cool people, Rope Bondage, twisted monk on February 23, 2011 by Gray

File under: Awesome People Passionate About What They Do.

My dear friend, mentor, and inspiration, Twisted Monk, has his own YouTube Channel! It’s not got the racier stuff, due to the TOS of the prudes at YouTube (unless, I guess, you’re Rihanna) but judging from the first video, it’s going to be a must-subscribe for anyone serious about rope:

Leave A Comment »

This sparQ Brought to You By the Letter “P”

Posted in art, community, cool people, event, Rope Bondage on February 16, 2011 by Gray

“Sure, I’m moving to Pittsburgh,” I told my friend. “But I’ll be heading back to Madison a lot.”

“Uh huh. Sure. I’ll believe that when I see it!” she said skeptically, adding “…but I hope you do.”

In a couple of weeks I’ll be doing just that – returning to the Bondage Capital of the World in order to be part of the launch of a great new project. sparQ.com is a sex positive place with educational, erotic, and useful content, whether that’s a hot story, an article about having better orgasms, or a sex toy review.

They’re starting things off on February 26th with a bang (no, not that kind) with a gallery night called “the Art of the Sensual” in Pewaukee (that’s a suburb of the suburb of the Bondage Capital). There will be erotic readings, a gallery full of stimulating art, and they’ve invited Naiia and myself to come and do some rope performance.

What’s P Got to Do With It?

Glad you asked. No, I’m not going to do anything scandalous. In fact, I’m looking forward to not doing the typical rough-and-tumble rope that I’ve been doing for many years. As with my performance with DoNotGoGently in New York City recently, I’m going for something different, something more sensual, something that hasn’t been done before.

Almost as if to aid me in my quest is the appearance of Gar Reynolds’ The Naked Presenter in the mail yesterday, a birthday present from CunningMinx (who still knows my tastes quite well, it seems). I started reading it this morning, and came to a section on “creative constraints.” Gar put some pretty strange ones on himself for the book, limiting himself to ten chapters and deciding that the principles he talks about should all begin with the letter P:

  • Preparation
  • Punch
  • Presence
  • Projection
  • Passion
  • Proximity
  • Play
  • Pace
  • Participation
  • Power

…with one extra P, Persistence, just to show that rules are made to be broken.

I haven’t read more than the first chapter at this point, but it’s already stirring some creative juices. These are all the things that go into a good presentation, yes, but also into a good scene, and I’m fascinated to see how I can apply these things more consciously to the upcoming performance.

If you’d like to see it, check out the Facebook link above, or just come out to Pewaukee on the 26th of February for the event.

It will be a Pleasure to see you…

2 Comments »

reBOUND, Shibari Style Impressions by David Lawrence

Posted in art, cool people, photography, Rope Bondage on February 8, 2011 by Gray

This may not come as a surprise, but I see a lot of rope bondage pictures. And videos. And live performances. And erotica. I actually read the text of Master’s K’s Beauty of Kinbaku, and loved every second of it.

It’s a fault, to be honest. The stuff just interests me. I’m not proud of it.

But keep it in mind when I tell you, point blank, that David Lawrence’s photographic book Bound remains the most beautiful collection of rope bondage photography I’ve ever seen. Not because of the models, or the ropework, but because they all come to a conjunction in the pages of the book that makes it greater than the sum of its parts. It’s a breathtaking experience to go into that book, to take its oversized solid binding into your hands and open it and let your eyes dive in…

Of course, you can’t look at it. It’s sold out. Out of print. OK, maybe if you bribe me with whiskey, dark chocolate, and unspecified sexual favors, I’ll let you hold it. Just for a little while. Ok, that’s enough, even you thinking about it is making me twitchy. Give it back.

Perhaps I’ll be more willing to share in about a month, when I get my copy (pre-ordered quite a while ago, because I knew it would be worth the wait) of reBOUND, Shibari Style Impressions. This is the next phase of David’s work, and he deserves kudos just for attempting to follow that first act. You can see a preview of the work by clicking on the link, but I gotta tell ya: it’s about as close to actually having the book as looking at a picture is to actually tying someone up.

In other words, not at all.

I can see by your face that you’re skeptical. And that’s understandable, because I still haven’t really talked about why exactly his work is so fucking good. Bad blogger, Gray, no biscuit. OK, fine, let me see if I can try…

Hmm.

OK, it’s like this: most bondage art photography bears something of the personality of the person who did it. Lochai’s Occupied, Lee’s Black Book, even Midori’s prints from The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. Hell, the instructional pics in Douglas Kent’s books scream “DOUGLAS KENT”.

That is, of course a subjective view. I know all of these people, some fairly intimately, so of course I’d project the personality on the pictures, right? Even given that there are other photographers whose work I’ve learned to spot without ever meeting them (Ian Rath, by the way, at some point I owe you a drink. Or ten.). All of them are something of a collaboration: the eye of the photographer with the experience of the model. If the photographer is also the rigger, there’s even more of their personality involved, in my opinion.

Except for David Lawrence.

I know David, and call him friend. He’s not a quiet man. You wouldn’t call him an unassuming presence. Hell, it could even be said that he’s an arrogant rigger, because of his penchant for fitting the bodies to his ties as opposed to the other way around. I’d say it’s probably more confidence than arrogance, but sometimes that line gets blurry.

But when I look at his pictures…I don’t see him. Somehow he manages to get out of the way and let the subjects tell their own relationship – between the rope and their body, between the partners, the snake, the candle wax, or just gravity and the hard, cold floor below.

Don’t get me wrong; I still know it’s David’s photography, and I can see and admire the audacity of location and the artistic composition and technical skill and all that shit that keeps me from trying to compete in the world of bondage photography. But David gives us the gift of photos that go beyond that, that triggers that inner resonant frequency. I look at the pictures, and somehow I see in the lines, the expressions, the shades of gray that same feeling of satisfaction that I get when I hold a piece of hemp in my hand, or when I look at my partner bound and smiling on the floor. I see that same fault, if that’s the right word, that keeps us tying and being tied.

David Lawrence gets it, and more than that, he manages to share it through photographs in a way that is rare and beautiful. I appreciate that.

From what I hear, reBound is going to be a limited print run too. That’s why I’m glad I got mine early. If you’re lucky, maybe Cupid will get one for you, too. If not, well…I guess I could share. Maybe. But we’re talkin’ 90% or more cacao, baby, and that whiskey had better be older than my niece.

Otherwise, honeychild, we’re going to be getting pretty fucking specific…

Leave A Comment »

The Somerville Bowline, Takedown Edition

Posted in cool people, Rope Bondage, sex education on January 31, 2011 by Gray

You’ve heard about the Boola-Boola Purge, right? There’s a whole cadre of ropesters who have decried the many failings of this version of the single column tie. A quite vocal person is Topologist, from Boston (soon to be from San Francisco), and he even went so far as to create his own variation of a single column tie which has become known as the “Somerville Bowline.”

I’ve learned it three or four times. I don’t use it enough to have it stick (yet). Then again, it took me two and a half years to learn the takate kote, so I guess I shouldn’t complain.

But along comes my friend Trialsinner (proposer of the Innocon) and he has a variation that really speaks to me: the takedown version of the Somerville Bowline. Click the link to see how he does it, and see how it works for you:

And special props go out for mentioning the Rope Capital of the World!

©Trialsinner : East Somerville Bowline How-To.  The East….

Leave A Comment »

« Older Entries