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Save Wicked Grounds & Get a GRUE Lifetime Pass!

Posted in community, cool people, proporn, sex education with tags GRUE, wicked grounds on April 18, 2011 by admin

Many people have heard of the little piece of heaven in San Francisco that is Wicked Grounds. It’s a bit of a pilgrimage, a kind of kinky Mecca that those who do what we do can go and sit and breathe and feel like we can actually be ourselves, in all our perversity, without worrying if the owners and other patrons will take offense. Even if you never go there, *knowing* that such a place exists makes the world a bit of a better place, in my opinion.

However, turns out it’s expensive to run a café in San Francisco (Who knew?). You can click here for the backstory, or just go right to the donation page…but first, let me engage in a little of my dream of being a Kinky Willy Wonka.

I have commissioned the creation of:

Five THREE GRUEden Tickets

These will be actual golden tickets with your name on them in fancy (like, papyrus or maybe even Herculanum) lettering and will be a free pass to any GRUE.

Admission only, mind you. Ya gotta get there yerself, find a roof for your head, and feed yourself a bit. But as far as cost of admission? This GRUEden ticket will get you in ANY GRUE, ANYWHERE in the world. Seattle? St. Louis? Amsterdam? Berlin? London? Connecticut? Vancouver? Yup, you’re in.

And you’re extra cool, because there are ~~only five of them~~ only three of them left. First pledged, first served.

I tried to arrange to have them hidden in the thighs of willing and supple rope bottoms throughout the world, but wiser minds convinced me that it might be better to tie it in to the efforts to save my favorite place, Wicked Grounds. So here’s the deal:

If you pledge (and this needs to be a REAL pledge, mind you) $500 to Wicked Grounds, you can have a GRUEden Ticket. Just do like Pete (a recent attendee at the GRUE Pitt) did, and note on your donation: *This is for a GRUEden Ticket*.

Did you catch that? He already got one, minutes after I announced it at the GRUE Pitt.

Which means there are only four three left.

(Tori Storii bought one too.)

Wait a minute, Graydancer, you ask, What guarantee do I have that there will be enough GRUEs in the future to cover the cost of the GRUEden Ticket?

None. There are eight GRUEs definitely planned thru 2012, and another half-dozen in the works, but there is no guarantee that even if you went to all of the rest of the GRUEs, you would make back your investment.

In fact, it’s almost like we’re actually focusing more on helping out our kinky community rather than just trying to get commercial value for a buck! I never was a very good capitalist.

Note that the way the pledge works is much like Kickstarter.com: Wicked Grounds needs to get $50,000 in pledges before your pledge would actually be called due. So there is a chance that you could pledge the $500 and never be called on to cough it up. Guess what? Even if that happens (*personally, I’d plan on paying it; as of this writing, they are about halfway there*) your GRUEden Ticket will be honored.

See what I mean? Lousy capitalist.

If you have more questions, then you’re probably making it too complicated. It’s simple:

Go here.
Pledge $500 that you have every intention of paying towards the preservation of Wicked Grounds.
Make a note on the page: This is for a GRUEden Ticket. We will get it to you before the next GRUE, in Seattle in August.

That’s it. And if GRUEs aren’t your thing, I believe Shibaricon and other events are going to be offering special deals as well.

Save Wicked Grounds.

It’s the café we wish we had next door.

I, Slut

Posted in proporn, sex education, writing with tags culture, proporn, sex ed, shame, slut on March 16, 2011 by admin

On January 24th, 2011, a representative of the Toronto Police gave shocking insight into the Force’s view of sexual assault by stating: “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized”. – from the SlutWalk Toronto Facebook Page

Hi, my name’s GrayDancer, and I’m a slut.

No, I don’t want to sleep with you. Or him, or her, or…oh, yes, her I do want to sleep with. As much and as often as possible.

Why are you winking and nudging at me? Yes, in fact, she does go, though not often gently, I’m not sure what you…

Good lord. You’re blushing. Why? I’m a relatively healthy human being only recently entering into what will hopefully be a long and very slow sexual decline…of course I like sex.

Yes, I look at porn. More visual than others (Bend Me Over is great) and I find erotica much more stimulating, but sure, I enjoy sexually themed media.

Oh. I get it. I’m supposed to be embarrassed about liking sex. About having sex with her. I’m supposed to be ashamed of watching porn, either because it’s dirty or because it’s exploitative or something. It’s not talked about in polite company, apparently, because…well, I’ve never quite been clear on the because.

No, sorry, I’m a slut. That doesn’t mean that I sleep with everyone, nor does it mean I sleep with anyone. It simply means that I am unashamedly enthusiastic about sex.

Oh, really, you’re going to go to “Dictionary.com” to prove me wrong? Are your arguments that desperate? Fine, I’ll play along, just because it’s so ridiculous. “A dirty, slovenly woman. A woman of dissolute morals; prostitute.” Let’s take them one at a time:

“Dirty”, “Slovenly” relate to appearance. As most “slutty” clothing is actually usually pretty well-kept and shiny, doesn’t really apply to the people the Toronto police seem to think of as “sluts”.
“Woman.” My friend, if we can’t get beyond heteronormative gender binaries as a starting point, this entire discussion is fruitless.
“Dissolute morals.” First please let me know what “morals” you are talking about. For example, by the “morals” of the Taliban, Sarah Palin dresses like a slut. Then let’s take a look at what “dissolute” means: indifferent to moral restraints. YES! Finally we agree on something. As I said: unashamed.
“Prostitute.” Again, depends on what you mean by the term – any sex worker? Sex for money? What constitutes sex? Anyway, while I am not now, I have in the past earned money through performing sexual acts. So yes, I’m a prostitute. Wait…were you implying that’s a bad thing? It’s not like I said I was a member of Gov. Walker’s staff, or a PR spokesman for British Petroleum, or something that’s actually harmful.

Oh, I get it. I am supposed to be ashamed that I was (or am, depending on your point of view) a sex worker. Nope, sorry. I don’t work for the school district of New York City, so that bird won’t fly. I’m much more ashamed of the time I spent trying to convince people to buy time shares. That was unethical, dirty work.

There have been many groups that have taken terms meant to be derogatory and reclaimed them for themselves. Cunt. Whore. Nigger. Faggot. Members of the oppressed group now use these as terms of pride, taking on their identity with a fierceness and shoving it back in the faces of those who would use it as a weapon. Yeah, this is who I am. Deal with it.

When I sit here and say I am a slut, it is in that spirit. I was raised to be ashamed of my sexuality, to try and keep it hidden. Not only by my parents, but by my peers, teachers, and the world around me. It always – always – struck me as ridiculous; if everyone has to deal with sex to some degree, why are we not talking about it? If everyone wants to fuck, why is Fuck you an insult? If all my high school chums were desperate to get into their girlfriend’s pants, why do they call each other pussy? If women want men to be more careful with where they put their penises, why do they call it junk?

True story: I’m working as a dishwasher at age 16, and one of the busboys (who’s a bit of a bully) has discovered that I have a girlfriend. He proceeds to razz me about it. “Have you done it? Have you? Really? How many times?”

That last question took me a bit aback, and I stopped trying to ignore him long enough to reply, in honest confusion: “Who counts?”

He looked like I’d punched him. In a way, I suppose I had. His world was filled with furtive gropings of partners too drunk to care. Mine was with a sexually experienced partner whose mother was sex-positive and gave us a safe space to explore our sexuality.

Yes, I was very, very fortunate. And it’s probably why so much of the sexual attitudes of our culture just don’t make sense to me.

So, fuck it (and yes, I mean that in the joyful sense of the word). I’m a slut. Say no more.

Sex Ed for the Needy Privileged

Posted in cool people, proporn, sex education, writing on March 4, 2011 by admin

I had a weird thought the other day when I had lunch with Miss Stella from YourSparQ.com.

We were talking about sex education, and I had mentioned a tweet I’d seen from Sarah Sloane (one of the best sex educators out there) calling out the need for good cisgender male sex educators. I’ve heard other friends in the sex ed field, from Heather Corinna to Shanna Katz to Megan Andelloux echo the call: Where are the straight men teaching sex ed? Hell, even Rutgers writes about it.

As someone who has somewhat inadvertently been identified as a straight-presenting cisgender male occasionally thrust into sex-ed situations, I listen to them with a bit of an eyebrow raised. Because in spite of my offering to do more, there really aren’t a lot of organizations beating down my door, asking me to talk about sex. Rope, kink, social media, poly, sure…but usually not sex.

But at the lunch, a thought occurred to me. I thought about how a lot of the sexuality educators out there – primarily women or queer educators (such as Dan Savage) came out of oppressed and under-represented groups. Women claimed their sexuality; “We’re here, we’re queer!” came out of the closet and began to examine in the bright light all the myths and stereotypes and more. The focus was on pleasure, how to get it, how you are responsible for your own orgasm, how you needed to not be ashamed of your desires, etc.

These are great things. They are ripping the lid off the lies that were told to all of us for so many years:

At about age 8, my father first mentioned the word “penis” in reference to that part of my anatomy. I thought he’d said “peanuts” and it was years before I learned otherwise.
As a reader of scriptures, I found that strange word womb mentioned over and over. It was something about babies coming out of bellies…then I had it! REmembering the story of Eve coming from Adam’s rib, I triumphantly told my parents: “I get it! They’re called wo-men because they came from the womb of man!” My parents laughed nervously, told me I was wrong, and never explained why.
In 6th grade, when the boys & girls had separate assemblies to learn about bodies changing and the production of sperm and such, one big part was left out. My best friend Huey dared ask the question: “Um, how, exactly, does the sperm get to the egg?” Amidst gales of laughter (which I joined in, even though I didn’t know either) the educator – a white-haired cisgender male in a suit – glanced at the other teachers and said “Any way it can.” More gales of laughter. But not much education.
Driving with my dad, he asked me if I understood how babies were made. “Sure,” I said, “We learned about sperm and eggs and all that stuff in school.” He nodded, looking relieved, and didn’t bother to ask for details. Which was good, because I didn’t actually know any.
My stepmother finally laid it out for me as we drove the car into the driveway one day. “It’s nothing like what you see in the movies like James Bond,” she said. “It’s actually no fun for the woman at all. It only lasts about five minutes, and the man can only do it once a night.” I nodded. At that point, I had lost my virginity a few months before to a well-educated young woman with a sex-positive mother, and I knew that everything my step-mother was telling me was a lie.

That was my sex education. That was the sex education of a cisgender male of privilege. And that’s the thought that came to me that day at lunch: there has been this assumption, I think, that the dominant class – the straight cisgender male – has had all the focus on their sex, and so book after book and show after show from these great sex educators have been focused on getting the real story out, about women’s bodies and queer desires no longer being shameful or secret or ignored (such as the many, many anatomical diagrams young women were shown with no mention of the clitoris). In fact, often these books have been dismissive of male sexual pleasure (The Clitoral Truth was downright offensive, in my opinion).

The thing is, while yes, the focus has been on male heterosexual pleasure, it has been a false focus. It hasn’t been about the realities of sexual pleasure, such as the joys of prostate play, or the different kinds of orgasm, or the realities of erectile dysfunction, or the fact that submission can be a masculine sex trait. No, instead we have games and scores and “donkey punches” and chuckling socks-in-the-arm that resemble a Monty Python sketch.

In other words, the same cisgender masculine stereotypes that kept women’s and queer sexuality in the dark for so long kept the cisgender het males in the dark too.

That, I think, is why there’s such a need for male sex educators. We’re behind in the sex-positive enlightenment.

That’s not to say “poor oppressed us.” For one thing, I’m not really part of that us, because I’m queer. I just don’t look it, and I’m ok with people making their assumptions because my queerness isn’t any of their business.

For another thing, it’s ok to be behind, because we now have the examples of the great sex educators listed above to follow (resisting the urge to add “And besides, ladies first, right?”). It is a good thing for a privileged group to realize they’re behind the curve, under-represented, and that their actual identities and health issues and pleasure have been falsely perceived and presented for centuries. Builds character, wot?

But at the same time…like I said, there aren’t exactly a horde of people knocking at my door.

The Numbers of Kink

Posted in community, cool people, play, proporn, Rope Bondage, sex education on February 24, 2011 by admin

You may have heard: recently I joined the staff of the Kink Academy (affiliate link) as their “Editor Extraordinaire”. I get to get my hands dirty with video again, creating short segments of the best sex educators around sharing their stuff. Yesterday I edited a piece on eye contact for intimacy, a piece on warming up your partner’s ass for anal play, and a piece on stretching for bottoms preparing to be bound.

Good stuff. And all yours for the introductory price of $9.95/month, or $75 a year.

The funny thing is, there are people who not only think that’s too much, there are people who apparently harass Kali for daring to charge at all. There seems to be some anathema to the idea of making a profit while educating.

So let me get this straight:

People are willing to pay, oh, let’s say $125 for an event (we’ll assume it’s early bird pricing). This is an event that lasts one weekend, during which time, if they’re lucky, they’ll get to sit through, oh, ten classes (that’s assuming they can crawl out of bed after a play party). The event may have a huge number of great presenters, but you can only sit in their classes one at a time. And while you can still take notes in classes (that hasn’t been banned – yet) you can’t record what happens in any form. Not audio, not pics, certainly not video.

You pay $200-$450 for hotel and food.

You walk into the vendor area and drop $175 for a flogger, $300 for a corset, and $45 for those fantastic four-inch Ingrid stilettoes from the Shoe Guy. (Quick question: did you see anyone yelling at any of the vendors for “profiting from other people’s sexuality”?).

Total cost for a great weekend? Around $1000. With some material goods you can keep, but mostly the joy of an experience. I got to talk to Mollena Williams. I got to watch Scott Smith. I learned photography from David Lawrence. I was part of Shibaricon 2011!

Great presenters, all. The event was full of ‘em. And, with a few exceptions, most weren’t paid a dime for their experience or teaching time. If they were lucky they had books or DVDs they could hawk at their classes, but if not, well, then your thanks was all the reward they asked for.

And that’s fine, as far as it goes. What I don’t get is why someone who is passionate enough about their kink to drop a grand on a weekend that will fade into memory balks at paying $75 (that’s what, half a flogger?) for a full year of over 50 educators – the same ones you see at the events – teaching on a huge variety of subjects whenever you want. You can check out their free videos, too, which give a pretty good taste of what’s inside, and are also a free resource in and of themselves.

Madison Young Teaches "Zen Submissive"

It’s streaming video. You can watch Madison Young’s oral sex tips over and over and over (and believe me, you will want to). It’s there when you need it, a refresher before a play date, an exploration into a new kink, or even to check out a presenter who’s going to be at the next event you’re at. Four new videos a week, all year long, never archived: you can join today and have literally hours of explicit kinky instruction at your disposal.

Oh, and every single person involved in that video was paid for their time. The presenters and the models. Paid quite well, in fact, because Kink Academy believes their time and knowledge are valuable and they deserve to be rewarded for it. When you join Kink Academy, you are saying thanks to the presenters in a directly financial way.

Me and Raven Lightholme (of FreedomofFetish.com) talking about Making Out

I’m not saying you should join, mind you. That would be disingenuous, as I’ve got an obviously personal stake in the matter. No, I just want people to stop pretending that money isn’t support, and that somehow going to an event that doesn’t pay presenters is more valid than joining an educational site that does.

Tony Comstock, Portrait in Courage

Posted in community, cool people, NeatEvent, proporn, sex education, writing on February 1, 2011 by admin

One of many "Real" movies from Comstock Films

Tony Comstock is a pornographer writer sailor father husband filmmaker guy who cares about the state of sexual mores in our culture. And when I say cares, I mean more than just donating to Scarleteen and the NCSF and making movies about real people having real sex because they are really in love.

He is going to be putting his (literary) ass on the line:

“In late 2008 I began a deliberate campaign to take my ideas beyond the safe confines of my little corner of the internet. I began engaging on blogs and forums where I knew my films and the ideas they represent would be greeted with, at best, suspicion, if not outright hostility. This process has been hugely demanding — of my time, of my energy, of my emotions — with no guarantee that my efforts would ever bear fruit.”

But bear fruit it did. In fact, his writing (which is excellent in its own right) was noticed by none other than Atlantic columnist James Fallows. Which is why Tony Comstock will be covering for Fallows for the first half of February. Tony talks about what he plans to do with this suddenly huge soapbox:

By the end of the week, I hope to have laid out a case for the idea that while we live in an age where extremely graphic, often upsetting sexual imagery is but a mouse-click away, images that explore and celebrate love and sexuality in the same way that Valentine’s day celebrates love and sexuality are vanishingly rare.

“I am also going to talk about how law, custom, economics, and technology interact to enforce a wide gulf between the well-crafted, but oddly coy depictions of sexuality in mainstream film and television, and the poorly made, often cartoonishly vulgar depictions that seem to characterize the collision of sex and the moving image.

Along the way I’ll touch on subjects of more general interest, including: algorithmic morality, climax ecology, boiled frogs, what you can and can’t see from outer-space, boxing, Steve Jobs’ liver, Dick Cheney’s heart, gun-control, and dog fighting.”

I’m almost drooling with excitement. That list of subjects is like an aphrodisiac.

His sojourn as an Atlantic guest-blogger begins February 7 and runs through February 13, the day before Valentine’s day. I’ll certainly be following it, but I suspect that as a community of sex-positive writers and bloggers and freaks we should make sure to respectfully and openly support this foray into the mass media by one of our own.

The Things They Don’t Teach You

Posted in cool people, photography, play, proporn, Rope Bondage on December 15, 2010 by admin

Harder Than It Looks...wait, no, that's NOT what I meant! Perv.

Recently my girlfriend DoNotGoGently and I teamed up with super-hot-fetish-model Ten to do a day of Damsel-in-Distress shooting with folks over at Beauties in Bondage.

It was a blast. Fun people to work with, and basically it was like when you played cops-and-robbers as a kid. I got to be the bad guy in several different scenarios, and you can watch the teaser for one of them or enjoy the screen captures.

But since this was video, we went for some level of verisimilitude, and that presented some interesting challenges on my end. For example, for the “Witness Protection” scenario, it called for me to “chloroform” the first witness and then disarm and choke out the Federal Marshal.

Now, the rough body play stuff? No problem. I had lots of fun with that, as did DNGG. But think about it: then I’m supposed to tie pretty and effective bondage on them while they are unconscious.

Dead weight. Limp limbs, a rubber spine, and no other help. Why don’t we offer “Tying the Unconscious” classes at Shibaricon, anyway?

And let’s add the fact that I was being all Actor-like, and decided that I really should be wearing my Sexy Leather Gloves so as not to leave fingerprints. Have you tried tying someone while you’re wearing leather gloves? Let me put it to you another way: if you’re going to be tying someone in leather gloves under a time- or performance-pressure situation, practice first.

Oh, and skin! Hate to tell you this, bottoms, but the real reason the answer to “Should I take this off?” is always “YES!” has nothing to do with your beautiful bodies. Rather, it’s because rope + skin < friction > rope + fabric + long beautiful hair.

These are skillsets that are severely lacking in the training of riggers all over the world. Maybe Chanta’s Bondage for Sex, Vol. 2 will have it. Or Douglas Kent’s Complete Shibari Vol. 4: Sweaters.

But we need more training than that. That was the easy shoot. The next shoot called for them to both be conscious and struggling while I tied them up.

Yeah. That’s right. Those of you who have tried tying pretty bondage on someone who is struggling will be chuckling; those of you who have seen DNGG actually fight are rolling on the floor guffawing. Various scenarios and ideas were put out, some of which had about as much relevance to reality as a Tarantino action movie. Sure, we had a prop gun – so I’m supposed to hold the gun on them and tie them at the same time? Or maybe hold to to my own head and yell “Hold it! Next slut makes a move, the Rigger gets it!” (1)

Yeah. You try it sometime. We came up with some creative solutions to the problem, and it was actually quite fun to do the role-playing. But I think, for those who are wanting to get into the insanely lucrative world of Damsel-in-Distress porn, Murphy Blue and I should teach a special series of classes at Shibaricon. Call it the “Snidely Whiplash” track:

TUF 101: Tying the Unconscious Form
TUF 102: Tying the Unconscious Form While Wearing Gloves
TUF 103: Tying the Sweater-Wearing Long-Haired Unconscious Form While Wearing Gloves
TUF 104: Lugging the Tied-Up Unconscious Form Up and Down Stairs
TUF 201: Tying the Other Sweater-Wearing Long-Haired Unconscious Form While Wearing Gloves Under Hot Lights and Still Trying to Look Sexy/Menacing/Not About to Go Into Cardiac Arrest.
ARM 101: Agressive Ropesluts (Multiple)
ARGH 102: Agressive Ropeslut Gun Handling, aka “Yeah, right.”
ARGH 201: Tying Agressive Ropesluts One-Handed While Holding a Gun Realistically, aka “Good luck with that.”
Ex-Dream Roleplay 201: Finding Motivation for Rough Play with Aggressive Ropesluts (multiple)

Whaddaya think? I’m sure that it would be a fine addition to any rope curriculum…

1. I blame this joke on the fact that I’m writing from Mollena‘s room in San Francisco

Shibari in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction

Posted in art, cool people, photography, play, proporn, Rope Bondage, writing on December 9, 2010 by admin

I suppose I should start out by explaining to those of you here hoping for a rope-and-steampunk post that this is not it. The title rather refers to a rather overquoted but nonetheless pivotal essay by Walter Benjamin called “Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction.”

It’s a fascinating article in its own way, if you are one of those who likes wanking off in discussions about what is or is not art. I’ve found that the newer you are to this theory, the more eager you are to discuss it; having been through decades of such things, I usually just roll my eyes a little and fall back on Chief Justice Potter Stewart’s 1964 definition in Jacobellis vs. Ohio: “I’ll know it when I see it.”

However, I recently allowed myself to become embroiled in just such a discussion on FetLife, and while it wasn’t pleasant, it did give some food for thought. Among other things, it was amusing that I found myself defending the idea that kinbaku is an art form, requiring years of practice to do it well – much like playing a musical instrument. The OP (Original Poster) got quite frustrated by the fact that his post had not been about the whole art-vs-not-art debate at all; his original post had been about a person online who, looking for guidance, had wanted to know if there were tutorials online.

I was one of the first respondents in that thread, and had pointed out the tutorials at BeKnotty and Twisted Monk and of course Jack Elfrink’s stuff. I also noted, as a responsible citizen journalist of the rope world, that “there is a school of thought that one cannot learn shibari online.”

To my mind, that is different than saying “one cannot learn shibari online.” Because frankly, I don’t necessarily believe that some people can learn it one-on-one, either. I’ve tried with a few people who have studied and taught in that way, and found it frustrating.

More to the point, it doesn’t fucking matter.

Forget What You Think

Getting away from the “what is art” argument and to the original point: that person looking for tutorials wanted something. For the sake of argument, let’s say that he saw a picture like this online:

The Fabulous Ms. Berlin & Derrick Pierce

…and he wanted to put his submissive in a similar situation.

Why did he want to do that? Was it because he wanted to get into the wildly lucrative world of bondage porn?* Was it because he was a passionate photographer, and wanted to exactly re-create this amazingly composed photo?**

Perhaps. I don’t think so, though. I think it’s more likely that he didn’t want to duplicate the picture at all. He wanted the results. He wanted to make his sub feel the way Ms. Berlin feels in the picture. Or he wanted to feel the way Derrick feels in the picture. And that’s where the whole “mechanical reproduction” thing comes into play.

See, I did that tie. I took that picture, because this was a shoot that I was directing. So I know exactly what was happening on that set, on that day, in that place. And let me tell you, the orgasmic bliss that Ms. Berlin is conveying in that pic is far more a tribute to her acting ability than any skill on my (or even Derrick’s) part.

Probably more of what was going on in her head was along the lines of:

“Who the fuck is this no-talent rigger/director thinks he can tie me in this RIDICULOUS suspension? Jeez this is killing my lumbar vertebrae. Going to have to do some hot tub relaxing today. Wonder if Cherry’s up for coffee after the shoot? At least I have a good PA here to help out. Oh, here comes Derrick’s cock. He’s such a great guy, too bad he’s gotta work with this midwest hack too…”

That’s not to say that I know that was her inner monologue-Berlin and I are friends, but this was the first time we met and I was a hack, as this was my very first professional bondage shoot.

But I doubt that the FetLife poster was hoping to have his submissive thinking those kinds of thoughts when he reproduced the tie. No, he didn’t want his sub to feel the way the people in the picture felt.

He wanted his sub to feel the way he thought the people in the picture felt.

And that’s the crux of it. The proper response to that FetLife poster should not have been me listing the tutorials; those are just ways of duplicating the images. Nor was the proper response to say “You can’t do that; it’s art, and reserved for the Worthy.” It certainly wasn’t helpful to say, “Oh, that? Anybody can do that. It’s no big deal.”

What ends up happening, time and again, is that he takes either track – saves up the money, goes to Japan and studies, or just decides to “reverse engineer” the ties using things online, and gets to the point where she and he are in exactly the same position…and suddenly they realize: this doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.

Nouns Don’t Matter

To my mind, the most important question to ask, whether you’re an experienced rigger or a novice knotter, is not “What do you want to do?” but rather “How do you want to feel?” That determines the tools you use, the frame of mind, the setting, the technique – everything else. What is the tone of the rope bondage? I personally believe that with that as your goal, it doesn’t matter if you’re doing a one-column tie or a takate-reallyfuckinghawtakote with a side of hashirodokai sauce.

Most of the time when I do rope for enjoyment (as opposed to for performance, education, or photography, in which case fun is by-product rather than the objective) I don’t have a big idea of a complicated tie. I tend to go in and start working with the rope and the body and the way it changes over time, and at the end, if you want to call it smut or art or craft, it really doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me are the adjectives, not the nouns. Was it good? Was it fun? Was it beautiful?

We can re-create images in 3-d and record the steps on hi-def video and break them down into loop A over bight B around Nipple C. But as far as I know, there’s no way to accurately recreate the feelings involved – even between the same two people with the same rope.

I love that ephemerality. I love that “unique and special snowflake”-ness of it. And that’s why I’ll see you in the dungeon.

*Quit laughing, Ten

** Quit laughing, SmutCraft/Monkeyfetish/MMayhem

Graydancer’s Guide for the Female Rigger

Posted in cool people, play, proporn, Rope Bondage, ropecast, sex education on November 8, 2010 by admin

Recently there has been some interest in the concept of female riggers. I applaud this interest; I confess to taking some pride in encouraging and promoting several of them myself. The common question seems to be “What is different about the experience for women rigging than for men?” It is indeed a very good question, for the challenges a female rigger faces in the dungeon are vast and often completely incomprehensible to most male riggers.

In all humility, therefore, as a Citizen Journalist of the rope community, I present the Guide for the Female Rigger, in easy, step-by-step instructions. In the interest of balance, I am of course assuming a female rigger and a male bottom.

1. Approach the play space in your hottest dom finery, $400 corset, 5″ stilettoes and rope bag in hand. You’re feeling good; you’re at the top of your game.

2. Inform security that no, you are not being a good little sub and carrying your Master’s bag. Emphasize this by handing your bag to your bottom, who seems embarassed but amused. He’ll pay for that.

3. Inform the door monitor of the dungeon space that no, you are not looking forward to finding out what your top’s toybag has in store for you. Emphasize this by taking the toybag from your bottom. Take some small pleasure in the fact that he’s starting to look worried.

4. Locate a suitable hard point, preferably right in the center of the play space, since it’s commonly known that to be a real rigger you must also be an attention whore. Send your bottom to get some water for “aftercare”, since the wuss probably will need it.

5. Step under the frame to begin to rig your ring.

6. Bend down to unstrap your stilettoes and removed the spikes from the foam mat so thoughtfully put there by the dungeon. Use electrical tape to patch over the holes; bonus points if the tape is the same color as all of the other patched-over holes.

7. As you resume your rigging, inform the helpful top at the St. Andrew’s Cross next to you that no, you are not going to let your Dom take care of “that kind of stuff.” Take some pleasure in the fact that he seems to be bowing his head in deference to you, even though he’s actually staring at your boobies.

8. As soon as your bottom returns with the water, growl at him to get naked .

9. Ignore the rude comments the top on the other side of the frame is making, apparently appalled by the site of a penis in the dungeon. Note that he has a completely naked woman bent over spanking bench, a woman blessedly free from the constraints of pubic grooming standards. Try not to roll your eyes. Breathe deeply.

10. Remove corset. Breathe deeply for real.

11. Interrupt the Dungeon Monitor who is quizzing your bottom about the weight rating on your ring and carabiners. Try not to rip out the volunteer’s throat as he says “Oh, well, you were stripping for him, I figured he was gonna string you up.”

12. Pull out the scratchiest coconut rope you have in your bag. Growl at your bottom: “crotch rope first.” Enjoy the whimper.

13. After putting on the crotch rope, agree with your bottom that now would probably be a good time to go pee.

14. Inform the top who has approached from across the room that no, he can not use the frame after your top is done suspending you. Refuse to elaborate.

15. When your bottom returns, use the simple leverage and pulley techniques of standard physics to finish suspending him, enjoying the fact that there are extra bits hanging out here and there to add to that symphony of groans, grunts, gasps, and other g-words that haven’t been thought of yet.

16. As you tighten the last hitch to a melodious whimper, enjoy the glazed look of endorphins in his eye as he spins in a Calderesque mobile of cock and masculine submission.

17. Fifteen seconds later, inform that top from across the room that no, you do not want to hear about his “better way” for doing suspensions. Try very hard not to reach for your eye-gouging stiletto heels as he grudgingly mutters “not bad” and goes back to his face-up row-of-single-column-ties suspension on the girl 1/4 his size.

18. Fifteen seconds later, try not to hold a grudge as your bottom informs you that his shoulder hurts, he might need to come out.

19. Plus, he has to pee again.

20. Inform the Top with the flogger, the Top from across the room, and the DM that no, in fact, you do NOT want their help in getting your bottom down and yes, you have “safety shears.” Resist the urge to pull the rescue hook from your garter in spite of your conviction that it’s the perfect diameter for some circumcision play with these guys.

21. As your bottom curls up under the fuzzy blanket, begin to coil the ropes, taking some satisfaction in the feat of sensuality and engineering you’ve accomplished.

22. Inform the top who has just shown up with his rope bunny that yes, you had a great suspension, and he can have the frame as soon as you’re done cleaning up.

23. Try to be patient and maintain your calm as he comments on what a good slave you must be, to coil your master’s ropes so neatly.

24. Actually, hell with that. Kill the fucker. His rope bunny is cute, and would look better in your ropes, anyway.

Miss Behavin' rigs Evinxiamor at the Inferno. Catch her again this thursday, Nov. 11, in the Bondage Capital of the World!

The Art of the Japanese Bondage Shoot

Posted in art, photography, proporn, Rope Bondage on October 12, 2010 by admin

This came by way of the AdultRopeArt Yahoo group this morning, and I thought it worth sharing. I’m not sure what exactly the shoot was for (there’s speculation it’s for the new movie Hana no Hebi 3) but what did strike me was the way it was so professional.

The actress is obviously put in positions of physical duress, and follows the Japanese erotic aesthetic of looking pained, shamed, and unhappy. I find that often even kinksters forget that this is a skill – it is called acting. The minute the shoot is done, people rush in with no other purpose but to make her comfortable again. It is a recognition of the work she is doing, and also a re-affirmation of her own dignity and worth as both a human and a professional. I think that certain sex-negative anti-porn voices would have us believe that in between the shoots the women and men who do this kind of work are kicked to the side, or made to service the crew, or some bullshit like that.

They forget, conveniently, that this is a business, a profession, and that there is skill involved, training, and work.

And for those who might forget how this process really works, there’s Sir Ian McKellen to explain it:

Tying New York

Posted in art, community, cool people, event, maui kink, NeatEvent, photography, proporn, Rope Bondage, sex education on October 4, 2010 by admin

It’s my last morning of a truly epic trip here in NYC. The community of sex bloggers, event organizers, kinksters, artists, sexologists, and more have been open and welcoming like you would not believe. Right now I’m spending my last morning at DGSolar & Violet‘s apartment in Brooklyn, after a pleasant evening talking about their Rope Bombs.

There’s really too much to talk about in one blog post…at least in the time I have now. But I’ll share some pictures of highlights, and promise to talk more lucidly about it on an upcoming podcast. (I still have to talk about Paradise & the St. Louis GRUE, for that matter).

First, in light of my last post, I should give an update: Nancy Peach decided against doing the Pussy Eatin’ Pic for Posterity – at least, for the 8×8 version of the show. Instead, she chose to use this one for a full 8×8 canvas, to be unveiled at her event in December – where, by the way, I’ll be performing with MinxGrrl.

I had a really fun arrival in the city after a day of travel, visiting Arden and her roommate Helena and going out to a little dive bar in the village. Arden is the person who, years ago, suggested I work on becoming a little more “evil”, and you can see from the pic that she knows whereof she speaks:

The next morning was up early to do a photo shoot with Mollena Williams shot by Michele Serchuk. All you get to see is my prep shot at the piano – the vibe we were going for was kind of “Tom Waits Molests Ella Fitzgerald” (at least, in my mind) – but there will be exquisite shots of the amazing scene we had together coming later.

This was my first chance to really use Maui Kink‘s rope and toys for the purpose they were intended – especially the Tire thumper. This has one slight variation from the equipment you can just buy at a truck stop – namely, a flattened edge that works as a paddle. The wood, of course, is beautiful, and the gold jute really shone against Mo’s skin for the shoot. I also got to smoke a Romeo Y Julieta Churchill-sized cigar for the shoot, which popped Mo’s cigar play cherry.

That night I attended “An Evening With Carol Queen” which was a fantastic discussion with other sex bloggers and activists. Carol is one of the most engaging and entertaining speakers I’ve ever known, and her new project is to explore how the blogosphere has changed the way people talk about sex. A lot of the conversation related to issues of privacy, but there was a lot of solidarity and a feeling of being a part of the change that desperately needs to happen in our culture. Some old friends like B_Playful, and Mia were there, as well as online friends met for the first time such as Twanna Hines, Raven Lightholme and Wilhelmina Wang. I also made new friends like Nikki Morgan and Snimm. Oh, and lest I forget, this was also the place where I first met Princess Kali of the Kink Academy, and as I hope that is the beginning of a beautiful friendship, it deserves noting.

The whole shindig, of course, was produced by Debauched Diva & Urban Gypsy, who were sort of the guiding hand behind so much that I did this weekend. I’ve known the two of them for years (you can hear interviews about the NYC Sex Blogger Calendar on the Ropecast) but I’ve never worked with them quite this closely. They are a whirlwind of energy. In fact, they should really write a parallel to David Allen’s “Getting Things Done” called “Making Shit Happen.” The people they pulled together to help out were fantastic as well. It was amazing to finally be behind the scenes of the calendar party, stuffing the goodie bags, prepping the space, and then getting to sell raffle tickets and later announce the winners.

I don’t have a “bucket list” per se, but there is a list I keep of things I’ve done, moments I’ve had, that I keep in order to pull out and relive when I’m too old to do such things any more. This trip was full of them, but being the MC for the raffle is definitely in there. On the one hand: I’m just reading numbers on tickets, right? On the other hand: I’m in a Manhattan nightclub, which is packed with hot, sexual people like Dylan Ryan, Nina Hartley, Carol Queen, Troy Orleans and more, and I’m making them laugh, cheer, and enjoy the process of giving away great prizes.

I dunno about you, but that’s a Defining Moment in my book. After the party I had a moment of which you will not believe – it is truly the stuff of which porn movie plots are made of:

At the end of the raffle, Graydancer is sitting, drinking a Stella Artois courtesy of Lisa Vandever. He is feeling good about the drawing, especially since his friend Ten had gotten one of the bags. So had the remarkable Nikki Morgan, a certified sexologist and event planner. She approaches Gray as he sits.

NIKKI: That was fun! This was quite an evening.

GRAY: Yeah, I think that that went well. And you won! Looked like you were having fun.

NIKKI: I did! I was hoping to go in back there (she gestures towards the back of the bar) where Professor Oni was tying people up and try that out. (her mouth pouts) But I guess they’re all packed up and done now…

GRAY (sets down beer): Well, you know…I’ve done a bit of rope bondage myself…

(cue bawhm-chicka-bawhm-mauw music, ftb)

OK, maybe the bawhm-chicka music is going a bit far – after that harness was untied, I simply went back to the home of the New Jersey Rope Experiment in Metuchen. However, Nikki and I had more conversation about a wide variety of topics the next day as I wandered around the Village, and it’s interesting how many of her classes she teaches parallel my own (especially the upcoming ShadowPlay that I’m teaching here in NYC on the 20th). It’s simply a testament to the universality of sexuality – same problems, different solutions.

The next morning I had a great breakfast with the JRE folx, which you will hear in an upcoming podcast. Then Ten and I had to catch a train back to the city for the Kink Academy Open House, which did not suck:

In fact, I got emails from people the next day who had taken home the TEU&FE harness, tried it out, and had stellar results. More pleasant feedback a person could not ask for.

By the end of the open house (and after some impromptu show-and-tell with the effervescent Engel Schrei and some Maui Kink paddles) Ten and I were exhausted, but still wanted to hang with Mollena, Dov, and others. We managed to last all the way thru Cinekink before surrendering to the night and going back to JRE HQ. Of course, being the Hard Workin’ Sex Goddess that she is, she not only did more shoots with me and Kink Academy the next morning but went on to do more spankin’ shoots in the afternoon. Guess it takes a lot of work being that awesome.

Now I’ve had an afternoon, evening, and morning to catch my breath before I catch my plane, and even writing about this seems like a whirlwind fever-dream. I did everything I hoped to on this trip and more, and big thanks to Tied Up Events, Maui Kink, and my generous crash-space hosts for making it possible.

See you all at the Conn-GRUE in a couple of weeks!