How to Find the Perfect Play Partner

It’s funny, when I’m looking over my Google Reader. I’ve got a strange mishmash of feeds…Twisted Monk and Mistress Matisse and Ten and Mollena, of course, but then it veers into Lifehacker and Mnmlist and Hardcore Zen. Then we take another only slight turn to the right into productivity and entrepreneurial blogs like Seth Godin and Chris Brogan, and from there into pure porn…Bend Me Over and Elspeth Demina and Some Dirty Secrets and the like.

And you’d think that I’d get blogging material from the kinky people. Or from some zen philosophy. Or maybe inspiration from the images (“Hell, I can do that, and I know the guy that did that, and wouldn’t Mauikink toys make a good replication of that…”).

But no. Looking through them today, seeking blogging inspiration, it was sales giant Seth Godin who gave me my first inspiration, and the wholesome money-thrifty blog Simple Dollar that gave me the second.

Let me digress for a bit. One of the most common and most heartbreaking question I get is “How do I get to be a hot rope top, with everybody wanting me to tie them up?” Sometimes they will point at someone who they want to emulate, or (in confidence) at someone who they want to play with. “How can I get her to play with me?” is what they’re really asking.

Usually they’re talking about some hot bi babe that I’ve just done a scene with, and I tell them, quite honestly, that the way to play with the hot bi babes is to stop caring that they’re hot bi babes. At that point, they’re everywhere, and more than happy to play…but you don’t really care. Call it the Unicorn Paradox.

But the Simple Dollar put it far better than I ever did, and did it simply:

It’s not about having the right partner. It’s about being the right partner.

Every second you are trying to figure out how to make yourself more attractive to…whoever it is you want to play with…you are wasting your time. Why? Because the motivation is coming from outside of yourself. That makes it inauthentic, and people can usually smell somebody who’s faking it from across the dungeon. And even if you succeed, you are succeeding under false premises. You are not being you, you’re being someone you think they’ll like. Eventually, you will come back out, or, more likely, you’ll discover they aren’t all that after all.

Instead, you need to simply make yourself the most attractive person to yourself. What needs to happen to make you feel good about yourself? Is it weight? Is it clothes? Is it intellect? Be honest. Ask yourself what it is, then ask yourself why. And every time you answer with “…because then the guys will like me…” chuck that one out. Look for the ones that have “…because then I feel good…” or some variation thereof in it. I do my exercise regimen quite publicly via twitter, or even at the GRUE, and it’s not because I want Raven Lightholme to be impressed with my guns. Are you kidding? I’m forty-fucking-two years old, and I’m never going to look like Shaun T. Never. But I like how my body moves when I’m in shape, the way it feels to walk down the street, the added stamina it gives me when I’m slamming into her fine…ahem. You get the idea. I do it because when I do it I feel more like me.

So. You got the thing, or things, that make you feel more like you? The things that are going to make you into the right partner for whoever your partner is? Great! The next step is easy, too.

Fucking do something about it.

And that’s where Seth Godin enters the picture. He closed a recent blog post with a phrase that I wish I could tattoo on my forearm. It is the one phrase that I would send back to my elementary school self, over-intellectual and under-athletic and nerdy and waiting miserably to be selected last for kickball. Yeah, I was that kid. And I wish I could have a time tunnel to go back and whisper Seth’s words in his ear:

No one is going to pick you. Pick yourself.

Nobody’s asked you to teach? Well, first develop the skills (both in teaching and in your subject, the two are not the same) and then just go to classes and help out people who might be having trouble. I know people who have started podcasts just for the hell of it. Who have stepped up to help out people they don’t even know. Who have created their own publishing companies simply because they feel there are voices that need to be heard. Who have created their own events just because it was getting too complicated to go to other people’s.

Well, ok, the last one was me, and it didn’t exactly work out as planned. But that’s ok, it worked out better. And I’m pretty sure that if you pick yourself, rather than waiting around for somebody to tell you what to do, it will work out better than you can imagine, as well.

I’m not even going to address any “Yeah, but…” arguments. Sorry. Whatever you’re facing, I doubt it’s worse than what Hideaki Akaiwa faced and triumphed over. Sorry, folks, but he has removed any excuse from the table for quite a while.

So yeah, I cheated. How to find the perfect play partner? Become the perfect play partner.

And then play with yourself.

2 thoughts on “How to Find the Perfect Play Partner

  • Excellent. It’s very true too. Harkens back to the idea of being the change we want to see in the world, at least it does to me. Also reminds me of the way my mother used to tell me about the importance of self-esteem in making new friends. I was quite the awkward child (weren’t we all?) growing up- I “ate lunch” in the library to avoid being bullied and picked on, and so never had many friends. It wasn’t until recently that I started to get the hang of it, but now that I am I’m not entirely sure what to DO with all these people wanting to be part of my life! Crazy how she knew what she was talking about, eh? Being that which we want makes sense in many many ways, and I thank you for reminding me of that.

    Also, thanks for the mentions, you’re sweet.

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