How to Get Fame, Fortune, and the Hot Bi Babes

I’m here to share the secret with you, so pay attention. Rachel Kramer Bussel has known it for years, but it took me this long to figure it out, and I’m going to share it with you.

How do you get the hot bi babes: cupcakes.

Here’s how it works:

  1. Write a post putatively about the bondage technique of tying the breasts in “cupcake” fashion, but really a clever link to a site that you have an affiliate relationship with in the hopes of getting people to sign up for it and funnel cash into your burgeoning porn empire (OK, I’ll wait while you pick yourself up off the floor and stop laughing at the phrase “burgeoning porn empire.”).
  2. Have the person illustrating said cupcakes, in this case Sabrina Fox, locate your site while vanity googling and have her decide your content is interesting enough to link with you on various social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace.
  3. In the space of a few comments back and forth, invite her to an outdoor camping event. Cleverly imply that due to lack of space and time and convenience she should come early, to “rehearse” the performance you’re doing at the camp, and also that you should share a tent, since it gets cold in those Wisconsin campgrounds, and besides, you’re the perfect gentleman. Really.
  4. Proceed to spend most of a week with this person, and discover that there’s much more than just the hot sexy redhead to her. In fact, I’ll tell you a secret: the most charming thing she did was when I took her to Barnes & Noble and I literally had to drag her out of the used book section. Do I have to tell you how hot a fetish model bibliophile really is?
  5. Co-present several classes, from rough body play to suspension to ropes 101, start a clips4sale store with her boobs on video, do a podcast or two, and be so convincingly competent and fun that when she does an interview with Fleshbot, she actually mentions you by name.
  6. Being Fleshbotted is kind of like being Oprah’d: instant fame and fortune and servers crashing, offers from Angelina and Brad to please come teach them rope bondage, leading roles from Tarantino opposite Salma, and an invitation from Keanu to come play tambourine with his band at the House of Blues. Or an invitation to do a sock puppet scene with Lochai’s wife. Whichever comes first.

OK, admittedly, I’m still waiting on most of #6. But having just dropped her off at the airport, where she’s going home before embarking with the Awesomeness of RopeToppitude himself, Lew Rubens, to Munich for bondage at Oktoberfest, I can finally admit: having Sabrina Fox here in my clutches as a guest in my home for the past couple of weeks has been one of the great pleasures of my life.

And it all came about because of the cupcakes. So now you know.

Good luck.

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