Graydancer

After many months of work and years of procrastination, I am happy to announce that my second novel, Jujun, has been completely translated into audiobook form, top to bottom. And there’s a lot of bottoming in it - if you’ve read my first, the good news is that there will be a lot of familiar faces in this one. The bad news is, pretty awful things happen to them. It’s a much darker world, the world of the Jujun (Japanese for “one who submits”) and so brace yourself.

I’d like to thank Traeonna Waggoner, Steve Eley, and especially Evo Terra of Podiobooks for help getting the project off the ground. I’d like to thank you for motivating me to finish it - and I’d like to start asking you to spread the word. What you see below is a big “showcase player” that will play the whole frikkin’ novel - but of course, most people are going to want to listen to it episodically. There’s handy “subscribe” buttons in the player, or you can just grab the RSS feed or other subscription method on the site.

However, there is more coming, and I’d like some help spreading the word about Jujun. There’s a way you can embed the Jujun player in your own website, too, by clicking the “embed” code. You can grab the preview image, right there on the left, and put it on your site (hopefully linking to the Podiobooks site). And if you’re a fan, write a review, if you can, and let other people see it. Word of mouth is starting, and there will be incentives coming…

Most of all, though, I hope you enjoy this return to the world of Nawashi, and the ongoing struggle for sexual freedom that is all-too-close to the world we live in now.

The time has come to think about what you’re going to do in the next year to advance the cause of sexual

freedom and awareness. I know that last year a group of concerned sex bloggers - mostely based in NYC - were concerned about the way sex workers were treated and the lack of awareness in the world about sex workers.

So they decided to do something about it. Some were former sex workers, some were simply sexually aware individuals, and they produced a calendar using their own bodies as the pinups. Beautiful people, not necessarily because of the flesh they showed (though there is an awful lot of that) but because of the reality of there passion to literally put it all on the line for sex worker awareness.

Many people, myself included, bought “days” on the calendar to help sponsor it - you can, too. Just don’t take Feb. 25th, as that’s the birthday of the Ropecast and that’s mine, bitches!

I’ve had it up on my wall for six months, now - as I write this, the lovely Marie “Riese” Lyn Barnard is staring down at me with a fantastic smile and a beautiful pinstripe bustier - and it’s the best of all worlds: I get to feel like I’ve contributed to a cause I believe in, I get to help out friends, and most of all, I get hot sexy flesh on my wall. Full of WIN!

If you’re wondering what you will get in the 2010 version of the Calendar, check out the new category on my sidebar, the NYCSexBlogCal. It’s all the contributors, some old friends, some new friends, some who are going to see the trackback and say “Who the fuck is this Graydancer dude?” But all, I guarantee you, are worth reading, and the cause is worth supporting.

What are you waiting for?

Did I ever tell you how I turned 40?

Calico & Nicotine

It was at an event called Dark Odyssey: Winterfire, and I was presenting and getting to meet and hang out with all sorts of fun people. People like Mollena, and Lolita, and my native guide Naiia, and more. It was falling over my birthday, so I was far from home, but it was ok…there were lots of things to do and keep me occupied. My demo bottom was the amazing Calico (that’s her torturing Nicotine over there on the left, and I got to briefly meet that Hogtied virgin courtesy of Lochai at the same event).

On the night of my birthday there was an open dungeon, and I got to do a few fun things - rough body play with Naiia in a cage, a hot scene with Calico suspended and tortured, my first scene with my longtime crush K…and I also got to play with Ten.

Ten is a young woman with, I have to tell you, the sweetest disposition, a wicked tolerance for pain, and a clever wit and beautiful voice. However, I tell you that just in the “All this and…” sense, because I have to tell you that Ten has the most perfect ass I’ve ever seen.

Yes, perfect. When people talk about “those twin divine globes” or “shakin’ the trunk” they are actually talking about the Platonic ideal of the ass, which happens to belong to Ten. I say this not to put any of the other fine asses I have seen, male and female, to shame. They are wonderful, and every one has its place (preferably under my paddle, but wherever is fine).

But Ten’s ass was…exquisite. Poetic. Elegant in line and function and form and oh, how she worked those skirts. When I tell you that her ass was unbelievably wondrous in every way, that your eyes just wanted to stay on it, that your hands couldn’t help but curl the fingers into a longing desire to cup it…I’m not really doing it justice. Not at all.

Ten & Me

And when I tell you that, on my birthday, upon hearing that I was looking for a volunteer to accept my birthday spankings (a domly tradition from the last few years ahem, Old Guard Rope Ninja Sex Poodle tradition), she smiled and beamed and prettily volunteered…ah, yes, I am indeed a fortunate man.

We had a beautiful scene. This tiny image is only a bit of it, it involved rope and biting and hands and more. And at the end of it, as the night ticked over into the beginning of my fifth decade, her delicate voice counted off the spanks. And at the end of them, trembling and with that ultimate ass red with my birthday strikes, she looked back with bright, tearful eyes and said “Happy birthday, Graydancer,” in a voice that would have made Marilyn Monroe sound like a Skexis.

Ten

Why am I telling you this? Because she just had her first Hogtied shoot, and frankly, I’m both pissed and lost in admiration for the marketing department at Kink.com. Because in the preview gallery, there’s really only one shot (and segment) that shows off that amazing ass. Admittedly, it’s a good one - but you’ll have to either subscribe or buy the KinkOnDemand to really get a taste of Ten.

Ten on Hogtied

But it’s well worth it, in any case. Whether it’s your birthday or not. Good job, Ten - and thank you.

Say that five times fast, I dare ya!

Shibaricon was every bit as wonderful as I expected. I met up with old friends, made new friends, and met up with new old friends from online that I’d never seen before. Many people commented that they enjoyed the Ropecast, others that they’d liked Nawashi, even a few were fans of Jujun (whose final chapter comes next week).

But the most comments I got were on a particular shirt I wore. A shirt that said, on the front, You have been eaten by a GRUE. And on the back, Next time, bring more rope.

What the heck was that about? people asked. Some laughed at the front, thinking it was a reference to Zork, but then saw the back and scratched their heads, puzzled. And there were a few - more than a few, actually, who smiled with a knowing, remembering smile.

One of these was the person who gave me the shirt in the first place, Sascha. She has been to a GRUE before, in Toronto. Another was Phaedra, the middle-eastern dancing ropeslut, who was instrumental in getting the Madison GRUE together last year. Nawa G and Ms. J gave beaming, big smiles when they saw it, remembering the unforgettable play party at their house while it stormed outside and he….well, let’s not talk about that. Suffice to say it was memorable.

And best of all were my friends A’ja and Lily the Rope Ho, who smiled not only the smile of memory but also the smile of anticipation…because they know the next GRUE is going to be eating people right in their home town of St. Louis, June 26-28th. That’s how the GRUE works, you see - it’s a home-grown effort, by a couple of people who say “We want to have some ropetastic fun! We want to do it in a different way than those big fancy cons! We want an Unconference!”

Now maybe they want high intellectual and political conversations and presentations at their Unconference, like the two Sex 2.0 conferences. Maybe they want only talking, no demos, and packing in lots and lots of material by making sure nothing lasts longer than 20 minutes, like the KinkForAll conference in NYC.

But Lily & A’ja decided to bring the GRUE back to St. Louis, with room for both intellectual and political discussions on gender, queer issues, poly…and also hard-core demos like needle play, suspension, flogging, fisting…you name it.

I mean that. You name it. You come to the GRUE and are shown a blank wall, and told: “This is our agenda.” Then I step in, work some magic*, and 30 minutes later the wall is covered with topics you and the others present have decided to talk/present on. You wonder how you’re going to have enough time to cover them all. And then I explain how: you’re simply going to take the time. There are no arbitrary time limits at a GRUE - if it takes 15 minutes to show how to tie up testicles, you take 15 minutes. If it takes 3 hours to learn Arisue Go’s suspension technique, you take the 3 hours. And if at any time during that 15 minutes to 3 hours you don’t like what you’re doing, you’re encouraged - hell, you’re required - to go off and do something you are invested in.

This is why GRUE’s need aftercare, in the form of Graydancer’s World-Famous Cheap-Ass Pancakes at brunch the next day. Like the other unconferences, it’s more than just the organizers of the event that are working on making things happen. It’s your event, it’s your subject, and we’ve found (sometimes the hard way) that when you get that involved, then ending it is hard. That’s why there are still friends who have met at GRUE’s who, years later, are still closer than ever. That’s why people come to more than one, and will travel to be there. Hell, I know of one couple who met for the first time at the very first GRUE, and last I checked were not only still together but were - well, that would be telling, but let’s just say things are going well.

You’ve got a little less than a month to register, and if there’s a little voice inside your head saying “But how can I come to an event where I don’t know who’s presenting?” I would suggest you look at the people listed above. Then add to that list people like Cherries Jubalie, Leon von Monkeyfetish, Lqqkout, DeviantTouch and Jinx, Sir Dart, the Control Enthusiast, Andrea Zanin, Sar, Nullmoniker, Feral Minette, Sheryn B…the list goes on. All have presented at past GRUEs, and they are only the ones you’ve heard of. Some of them gave their first presentation in the friendly, no-pressure environment of the GRUE. Others have tried out new classes and classes that regular ‘cons won’t ask for, just for the chance to explore new topics in new ways.

Literally hundreds of people have taken the chance that a group of concerned kinksters can come together and benefit from addressing issues and exploring topics together. So far, not one of them has come to me and said “Damn, what a waste of time, wish I hadn’t come.”

No, usually it’s more “So…when’s the next GRUE?”

It’s in St. Louis, my friends, June 26-28th. Come and get eaten by a GRUE.

And bring lots of rope.

For more information on the GRUE, I recommend reading

The Care and Feeding of a GRUE

or joining the GRUEp on FetLife

* It’s not really magic. Just some stuff I learned via wikipedia. But it works.

This is in response to Matt Smith’s article “Whipped and Gagged” which is, happily, being lambasted by the kink community, especially those who actually work for KINK.com.

I used to idealize San Francisco as a bastion of free expression and sexual maturity. As a father of four grown daughters, I have often despaired at the puerile immaturity of our American culture as a whole, and I raised my girls to be aware of their bodies and most of all never let ANYONE tell them what they can or can’t do with them - whether it be a husband, a girlfriend, a doctor, or a ignorant lazy yellow journalist looking for a quick story guaranteed to raise the self-righteous hackles of the sexually repressed “vanilla” minority.

So I’m going to take this article with me to coffee with my youngest daughter today, who’s 18, and show her just what it is that she’s up against - people who want to tell her what she can or can’t do. Being ashamed of sexuality is like being ashamed of your heartbeat.

I’ve worked for kink.com, and am by profession a videographer, though not until recently of porn. My work has been shown worldwide and gotten awards - and while my porn won’t, I suspect, I’m still just as proud of it, and have as much respect for the performers in it.

I must confess to one fantasy I’m a bit ashamed of, though. It involves the fact that newspapers are having to lay off reporters, and the idea that maybe, just maybe, they’ll lay off the lazy non-fact-checking boycott-inducing typists like Matt first…and he’ll discover, due to his “economic situation” that the “only” recourse he has is to advertise his services - which seem to involve mainly recycling shit - in the back pages of the very paper he used to work for.

I know. It’s sad and nasty and not fair to all those legitimate sex workers who are there. But hey, it’s a fantasy, what can I do?

I’ll be in my bunk.

Recently, a certain Perverted Negress of my acquaintance said some very nice things about our time together in her blog. Among them was this little gem:

You know you meet someone and just feel “OK, yeah, this is one of the Soul Family People, and it is great to have you come around again!” This was one of those. I meet hundreds of people a year and have feelings like that, of immediacy and comfort and such VERY rarely. I try to trust that feeling. It hasn’t yet been wrong.

It was weird, as I read that (and thought about our discussions in person) to have her keep using the word “trustworthy.” It’s by no means the first time - in fact, I have somehow acquired the reputation of being the “safe” guy (as in, women I don’t know will come up to me and snuggle just to escape another man’s attentions, because I seem “safe”). No, I get the comment that I make people feel safe all the time, especially from new acquaintances.

Thing is, as I read Mollena’s words, I also had the ghosts of lovers past whispering in my ear. “I just can’t trust you,” they said, and “I never thought you were this kind of person,” and “I just don’t know who you are any more; I don’t feel safe in our relationship.” (Note: please do not attempt to guess which lovers or relationships I’m talking about; suffice it to say I’m talking about more than one over a span of decades)

As those echoes went through my mind, I began to have a very uneasy feeling. What if…what if I am one of those guys, the charismatic leeches, the ones who lure in people with the illusion of safety and security and then pounce, suck them dry and leave them a withered and battered shell on the road of life? What if I’m actually a predator? the nasty little voice said.

Um, there’s one problem with that idea, came another voice.

Oh, yeah? said NastyVoice. What’s that?

If you were one of Those Guys, you wouldn’t worry about being one of Those Guys. The fact that you do worry is part of what makes people feel safe.

Um…oh. Right, then. Nice chatting with you, be back later, said NastyVoice, and disappeared in a puff of circular logic.

That particular identity crisis resolved, I began thinking a lot about the concept of Trustworthiness. I began talking about it with other people. And I came up with a few ideas that I, at least, wish I’d thought of years ago, and thought I’d share.

One is this concept of Trustworthiness being an on/off switch. Or a pristine pool that, once a single drop of the Food Coloring of Betrayal corrupts it, will never be quite the same shade again.

Don’t get me wrong - I do believe there are untrustworthy people. However, what I am seeing as a problem in my own life and in the community at large is this idea that one act can outweigh an established pattern. I teach a class where one of the sections talks about how you don’t have to be perfect - you don’t have to be always on, all the time, whether that’s being domly or sub or sexual or, hell, even human. If I enjoy a good strap-on ass-fucking once in a while, it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to still kick some sub’s ass up and down the dungeon before reducing them to a drizzling puddle of Yum-and-Rope. It just means that there are, if you’ll forgive me, shades of gray both dark and light in any given predilection.

More to the point, I believe that often people will mistakenly equate

“You are not trustworthy”

with

“I am not as good at predicting your behavior as I thought I was, and that scares me.”

I know I’ve done it; I can point to conversations I’ve had with people, moments that have happened that I’ve been surprised, shocked, and the result has been that I have refused to allow that person back into my life in any meaningful way - because I don’t trust them. In reality, what I don’t trust is my own ability to know what they’re going to do - and it scares me, because I might get hurt.

Now, there is nothing wrong with self protection. In fact, at least one relationship I can think of where that happened I was very lucky to get out of, so the instinct is sound. But it should be recognized for what it is - more to do with my own relationship with fear than with the trustworthiness or un- of the other person.

To be truly untrustworthy is to be malicious. In my opinion, anyway, it requires malice aforethought, and a sustained pattern of behavior towards that end. Misunderstandings don’t make someone untrustworthy, but it may mean they are poor communicators. Tempers flaring aren’t signs of being untrustworthy; they are signs of problems with anger management. Leaving a mark or two when “no marks” was negotiated isn’t a breach of trust, it’s a sign of some physical condition or lack of skill that may or may not be mitigated. Not safewording, or not knowing someone should safeword, is regrettable, but, to quote Janet Hardy, it will happen, and there is no blame.

Any of these could be dealbreakers in a relationship - but should they be indicators of a trend? My lover who consistently lied to my face and to my friends, over and over, she was untrustworthy. My lover who told me I would never amount to anything, that I’d always be a failure - she wasn’t untrustworthy, she was simply expressing a fear in a tactless way. My lover who slept with her ex who was everything for her that I was not - she was not untrustworthy at all, it was simply my own self-image that was trying to shift the burden of fear onto that act.

I have ended relationships in the past for a single act that seemed, to me in the heat of the pain of the moment, to be unforgivable betrayals. I have had others end relationships with me for similar reasons. I have had my own skills dismissed as inadequate due to one slip of the hand, and seen others lambasted and ostracized in communities for simple miscommunications. “Don’t play with her,” becomes the mantra, “she’s not safe.” “Don’t get involved with him - you’ll get hurt, no doubt about it.” All due, not to patterns of behavior, but due to single incidents that become inflated into personality characteristics, often in spite of months or years of evidence to the contrary.

It’s a trend I’d like to see stopped - both in my own life, and also in our kinky community. If someone makes an error, makes a mistake, loses their temper or says something painfully rude, maybe we can remember what my father said to my mother, back when I was learning to drive. I’d just gotten home from a “training run” with her, and she was livid because I’d backed into a gas pump and scratched the bumper.

“I’m never driving with him again,” she declared. “He’s too dangerous to be on the road!”

“Well, I guess I’ll take him out, then,” my Dad said, in one of the few times I saw him stand up to her.

“What?” she yelled. “I told you, he’s completely inept! He doesn’t know how to drive safely!”

“True,” said my Dad. “But if we don’t stick with him, he’ll never get any better.”

I am, by the way, an excellent driver.

You can trust me on that.

Maybe you’ve been hiding under a rock and you haven’t heard, but beginning at 5pm PST today KINK.com’s exquisite “Training of O” site (which has been the training ground for some of my favoritest people in the world) will be doing a free live broadcast.

The theme is the opening of the “Upper Floor”, a Victorian-style fantasy setup on the top level of the Armory, which Peter Acworth is turning into a mansion. Yes, that’s right, all of us presenters who keep on saying “No, sorry, that kind of world that Laura Antoniou writes about? False. Doesn’t really exist,” are going to have to eat our words.

And don’t think that Peter doesn’t know this - why else would he have as his first dinner guest the author of the Marketplace herself? Everyone can watch, but only paid members will get to actually interact via chat with the event on the site - so if you’ve been debating getting a membership, today would be a premium time to do so.

Two slaves will also be petitioning to be part of the 24/7 household, Satine Phoenix and Cherry Torn. Personally I’m rooting for Cherry, who I had the pleasure of tying up for some tutorials at the Twisted Factory a while back (that’s just a fun preview link; the rigging I did hasn’t been posted yet). Fun fact: Cherry’s street clothes are the most colorful and well-coordinated I’ve ever seen. She’s like a kinky character out of Willy Wonka’s factory. And when you think about it, what is Peter but a Kinky Wonka, and the Armory just a big perverted Wonkaland?

Ooompa-loompa-spanka-dee-doo.

Sabrina Fox on the Training of O with James Mogul

This episode: the secret to staying kinky in a fiscal depression, aka: buy quality, you never regret it! Recommended products include:

Rope:

1. Hemp from Twisted Monk, proud sponsor of the Ropecast.
2. Jute from Kinkyropes (special “volumizer” sale through Easter!)
3. MFP from Rainbow Rope

Porn:

1. David Lawrence’s new book “reBound“
2. Kink on Demand shoots from Kink.com
3. Visiting Graydancer’s site or gallery for free nekkidness!

Conferences

1. Shibaricon - Early Bird Registration Extended!
2. Maybe a GRUE near you?
3. KinkForAll
4. Sex 2.0

If you want to do Graydancer a favor, you could do worse than nominate him for either Best Rigger or Best Writer at the Bondage Awards. You can vote once a day, so do it often!

And our main event: an in-depth interview at the Crucible Rope Academy with Maria Shadoes of BoundToLoveIt.com!

Next podcast is STEAMPUNK, so send your comments to graydancer@gmail.com

If not, what’s your excuse? He put the WHOLE FRIKKIN’ BOOK online, for people to page through. However, if you look at this, and go “hmm, nice, now I’ve seen it, no need for a book…” you’re doing yourself and the rest of us a disservice.

Really. I was lucky enough to get an original (and autographed) copy of David’s first book, BOUND, back in the day. I say “lucky” because right now there’s something like 3 left - they’re rarer than the single hot bi babe looking for a no-strings attached meaningful poly relationship with a het-male/bi-female couple. Or so I hear.

BOUND remains, to this day, the most beautifully laid-out bondage photography book I’ve ever held in my hands - and I’ve held quite a few, it ’s the nature of what I do. Holding that book and diving into the pages is an immersive experience. It calls for a well-appointed parlor furnished in leather and oak, a roaring fireplace, a glass of fine whiskey at the table beside you as you page through it with your naked submissive looking over your arm, oohing and aaahing and saying “Hey, could you do that to me?”

And the answer is no, because David is an original, but it’s sure fun tryin’. So as you look at these images on the screen, enjoy them, admire the fine artistry of this master of both rope and lens, but don’t cheat yourself out of the pleasure of actually holding the book in your hands. Yeah, I know the economy is crap. Yeah, I know we’re all pinching pennies. But what are we pinching them for, if not to invest in the quality things in life? The rich experiences, the epicurean delights that inspire our imagination and fantasies?

Things like reBOUND. I’ve got my copy of BOUND. If you don’t have yours, I feel sorry for you (and by the way, to the person who I loaned my copy to: I would like it back soon, please). But you can be one of we few, we happy few, who has reBOUND on the shelf. I promise you, you won’t regret it.

And as you can read below, the best of the bondage world agree with me:

click to see full-size

Graydancer performing at the Miramar in 2006 with Model S

Returning to the Miramar Theater, Graydancer is going to take part in “Foreplay Mondays” put on by Erotic Milwaukee:

Ooh la la! Monday, widely held as the worst day of the week, is about to get a rather risqué reputation, the sexiest day of the week. Starting this month the Miramar Theatre will feature Erotic Milwaukee every Monday night,

Also known as foreplay Mondays it’s an evening of erotic poetry and short stories blended into a Dominatrix show and pole dancing. Dim lights, ambient music and a multitude of seductive performances will take place throughout each reading before the floor is opened up for an audience discussion about relationships, sex and the art of foreplay to get your week started off right.

Guaranteed to draw the the sexiest and kinkiest couples and single Milwaukee have to offer. This will be an interesting event for couples or individuals looking for new ways or new people to help make winter a little bit easier.

Okay, maybe just a whole lot freakier.

Monday, March 9th Graydancer will be joined by Miss Behavin’ from Foxy Veronica’s Peach Pies for some hot ropin’ action on stage. If you are going to be there and have a request for a specific kind of bondage or tie, let me know - audience interaction is a big part of this whole shebang…

Ms. Behavin' from Foxy Veronica's Peach Pies