a href=http://www.graydancer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/20110622-095028.jpgimg src=http://www.graydancer.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/20110622-095028.jpg alt=20110622-095028.jpg class=alignnone size-full //abr /br /While she was driving me up to Charlotte, N.C. so that I could catch the bus to Dark Odyssey: Fusion, DoNotGoGently and I were talking about the potential play dates I had lined up-specifically the one with a href=http://mollena.comMollena/a. I mentioned that I suspected I would be able to give her a good working over, as I had a nice little box of anger and frustration saved up for her.
A box of anger and frustration? DNGG asked, sounding a little worried (as any partner might). How does emthat/em work?
I was kind of surprised at the need to explain. But maybe Im the only top who does this, so Ill talk about it. Its something like method acting.
From a href=http://www.formspring.me/r/what-s-your-honest-opinion-of-me-if-you-re-brave-you-ll-press-ask-followers/203861840478895261?1308747420280 what Im told/a I come across as a nice guy. Ive also been told that I have a rep as a safe player, and at one memorable bar I had a sweet young thing who Id never met before actually rush over and glom onto me in order to escape the attention of an unwanted admirer. Why? She thought I looked safe.
Not a bad thing, I guess. Certainly not when it leads to sweet young glommy things. But it also leads to people not being convinced that I can be a mean sadist.
No, really, stop snickering. I am sadistic, as a few of my partners will tell you. One crawled out of a hot tub after a particularly long and painful session muttering I always kind of wondered if you were really a sadist…
Oh? I replied, reaching for her again. Still wondering?
No! she squeaked, suddenly halfway across the room. No…I think weve got that settled.
But such stories only sound like Domly braggadocio if youre not really convinced. And frankly, I dont really care if you are, because the only person whose opinion on that particular quality matters is the person under my hands at the moment.
The point is how I do it. Im certainly not an angry sadistic asshole all the time (who has that much energy? Oh, wait, there is [REDACTED]…). And in fact, part of my nice guy image has to do with years of struggling with anger and depression management. I think the word for it is compartmentalizing: when Im depressed, but shits still gotta get done, well, you suck it up and get it done. Similarly, when something makes you angry, but theres not a really constructive way to express it…well, thats when you just swallow it down, and save it for later.
That later is coming at Dark Odyssey, where my dear friend is going to be in a space and look at me for an extreme experience. And while my love and respect and concern for her will all still be there, I will also take a moment to reach into that box inside of me where Ive been putting this stuff.
Its got clients that dont pay bills. Its got no health insurance. Its got bank overdrafts. Its got the helpless frustration of a parent watching children drive off a cliff. Its got the envy of D/s relationships that work. Its got the shame of divorce, of unpublished writings, of inconsistent blogging and podcasting, of the Death of a Zillion Shoulds. Its got the pain of breakup (with the happy side effect that my reaction to pain is anger).
Yeah, its quite a box. It means that I will be able to be the kind of asshole that Mo is looking for, and take us both to a place where were playing on the edge of emotions. However…while it may be a cathartic experience for me, I dont expect it.
release implies a letting go, and as the top it is my responsibility always to be hanging on in some way. If I want to let go thats what shadow boxing and punching bags are for. No, this is a measured release, tempered through the discipline of…well, the Marine Zen Dance of the Long-Distance Runner, I guess.
Whatever, it works.
So…am I alone in that? Any other tops use their own version of the Box of Intolerable Things?