Recently there has been some interest in the concept of female riggers. I applaud this interest; I confess to taking some pride in encouraging and promoting several of them myself. The common question seems to be “What is different about the experience for women rigging than for men?” It is indeed a very good question, for the challenges a female rigger faces in the dungeon are vast and often completely incomprehensible to most male riggers.
In all humility, therefore, as a Citizen Journalist of the rope community, I present the Guide for the Female Rigger, in easy, step-by-step instructions. In the interest of balance, I am of course assuming a female rigger and a male bottom.
1. Approach the play space in your hottest dom finery, $400 corset, 5″ stilettoes and rope bag in hand. You’re feeling good; you’re at the top of your game.
2. Inform security that no, you are not being a good little sub and carrying your Master’s bag. Emphasize this by handing your bag to your bottom, who seems embarassed but amused. He’ll pay for that.
3. Inform the door monitor of the dungeon space that no, you are not looking forward to finding out what your top’s toybag has in store for you. Emphasize this by taking the toybag from your bottom. Take some small pleasure in the fact that he’s starting to look worried.
4. Locate a suitable hard point, preferably right in the center of the play space, since it’s commonly known that to be a real rigger you must also be an attention whore. Send your bottom to get some water for “aftercare”, since the wuss probably will need it.
5. Step under the frame to begin to rig your ring.
6. Bend down to unstrap your stilettoes and removed the spikes from the foam mat so thoughtfully put there by the dungeon. Use electrical tape to patch over the holes; bonus points if the tape is the same color as all of the other patched-over holes.
7. As you resume your rigging, inform the helpful top at the St. Andrew’s Cross next to you that no, you are not going to let your Dom take care of “that kind of stuff.” Take some pleasure in the fact that he seems to be bowing his head in deference to you, even though he’s actually staring at your boobies.
8. As soon as your bottom returns with the water, growl at him to get naked .
9. Ignore the rude comments the top on the other side of the frame is making, apparently appalled by the site of a penis in the dungeon. Note that he has a completely naked woman bent over spanking bench, a woman blessedly free from the constraints of pubic grooming standards. Try not to roll your eyes. Breathe deeply. Take a look to this huge range of penis pumps to buy at Spank The Monkey.
10. Remove corset. Breathe deeply for real.11. Interrupt the Dungeon Monitor who is quizzing your bottom about the weight rating on your ring and carabiners. Try not to rip out the volunteer’s throat as he says “Oh, well, you were stripping for him, I figured he was gonna string you up.”
12. Pull out the scratchiest coconut rope you have in your bag. Growl at your bottom: “crotch rope first.” Enjoy the whimper.
13. After putting on the crotch rope, agree with your bottom that now would probably be a good time to go pee.
14. Inform the top who has approached from across the room that no, he can not use the frame after your top is done suspending you. Refuse to elaborate.
15. When your bottom returns, use the simple leverage and pulley techniques of standard physics to finish suspending him, enjoying the fact that there are extra bits hanging out here and there to add to that symphony of groans, grunts, gasps, and other g-words that haven’t been thought of yet.
16. As you tighten the last hitch to a melodious whimper, enjoy the glazed look of endorphins in his eye as he spins in a Calderesque mobile of cock and masculine submission.
17. Fifteen seconds later, inform that top from across the room that no, you do not want to hear about his “better way” for doing suspensions. Try very hard not to reach for your eye-gouging stiletto heels as he grudgingly mutters “not bad” and goes back to his face-up row-of-single-column-ties suspension on the girl 1/4 his size.
18. Fifteen seconds later, try not to hold a grudge as your bottom informs you that his shoulder hurts, he might need to come out.
19. Plus, he has to pee again.
20. Inform the Top with the flogger, the Top from across the room, and the DM that no, in fact, you do NOT want their help in getting your bottom down and yes, you have “safety shears.” Resist the urge to pull the rescue hook from your garter in spite of your conviction that it’s the perfect diameter for some circumcision play with these guys.
21. As your bottom curls up under the fuzzy blanket, begin to coil the ropes, taking some satisfaction in the feat of sensuality and engineering you’ve accomplished.
22. Inform the top who has just shown up with his rope bunny that yes, you had a great suspension, and he can have the frame as soon as you’re done cleaning up.
23. Try to be patient and maintain your calm as he comments on what a good slave you must be, to coil your master’s ropes so neatly.
24. Actually, hell with that. Kill the fucker. His rope bunny is cute, and would look better in your ropes, anyway.
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Rock!
Damn. I knew I was doing it all wrong. I needed this advice so much. Thank you Graydancer!
Ouch. Too true.
Funny that is it so true in so many ways.
Glad I am in Seattle: Home of the largest population of Rope Switches where this guide isn’t much help.
Thanks for the giggles!
ps: we are close to nailing down the dates for next year’s Festival!
Finally, a man who gets it!!!!! PMSL and thank you, love it.
Yes, yes, yes! Hilarious, if only because it’s so true.
Thanks for this! Makes me smile. And all the more hilarious because it is too true! Hopefully the more female riggers that come out and shine, the less true it will be.
SO glad this has never been me, but fucking hilarious to read! ^_^ For some reason, nobody’s ever questioned that yes, *I* am the rigger in this duo (whatever duo it may be). Either it’s because the places I rig know me so well, or because the dungeons I play seem to be very anti-communication between scenes.
This comment from my friend TaiPan deserves quoting:
“”That is indeed a fun read. I love the DM worrying about the rating of the carabiners. How true.”
“We use untested, artificially softened, perhaps hand made, no-stretch hemp rope, of small diameter and uncertain strength, and we worry about the strength of 20kN+ UIAA-rated climbing hardware?
– Ancient Kung Foole Proverb by GrizzlyBear”
BRILLIANT. I can’t count the number of times this has happened to me.
Of course, my favorite thing to do is to confuse them even more by suspending MYSELF. Then they have no idea what I am. And when they ask, “Don’t tell me YOU can’t find anyone to tie you up?” I just reply, “Yeah, but I do it better.”
🙂