As so many concerns in the kink world turn to issues of consent and negotiation, wouldn’t it be nice if there was some way to keep the sexy? To learn how to both maintain boundaries and set specific limits but still be so fucking turned on by the possibilities?
Here’s an idea: why not ask the people who do that so well that they make a living from it? Yes, I’m talking about professional escorts – sex workers, if you prefer the term.
This idea came to mind when I saw the Dirty Playbook website (and it’s none of your business why I was looking at it). But it occurred to me, browsing the hot pictures and seductive descriptions that these women (and men and others) had it figured out. They maintained their privacy even while showing their allure. Each one clearly stated their boundaries in the descriptions, but also made your imagination run wild with the possibilities.
And that’s just on the website. Pictures and text. Meanwhile the kink community seems to have trouble with creating and holding consensual spaces when they’re face-to-face, so they can enjoy the sexual encounters or even the Bellesa sex toys which can be found online for more fun.
My serva Naiia and I both teach classes on negotiation and consent. It’s not hard to fill the rooms, but it’s hard to keep the audience both turned on and learning. Just once I’d like to see an event hire someone with Dirty Playboook expertise – where every day they negotiate encounters that are based around consent and privacy but also around fantasy, desire, and lust.
I suspect we could learn a lot. I can imagine my own “Dirty Playbook” filled with tools like:
- Words that clearly establish limits but are also sexy as fuck.
- Ways to describe what you want that don’t sound either needy or demanding.
- How to say “no” in a way that doesn’t imply rejection of the other person, but instead simply is saying “Not this…but instead, let’s try that…“
These are the kinds of things the women of Dirty Playbook and other escort agencies have to do and do well. In the same way that I wouldn’t make a living if I didn’t write well enough to make you keep reading. They have it figured out, I suspect, and in my optimistic imagination they share these techniques with each other. I wish they could share them with us, too.
Because a Dirty Playbook isn’t about beating some other team or opponent. It’s not about tricking or misleading – it’s not a “Game” where threes go after tens or some such nonsense.
No, creating sexy consent is a game where everyone wins. It’s a game designed to bring everyone what they want, because they listened to each other and created a safe space to explore their desire. And best of all, it is still a game – we are still playing with each other. We can keep the fun, even while we take it seriously.
Right now the kink community could use that kind of game, don’t you think?