The lovely Symetrie rigged by the author

At Shibaricon I was a bit busy. Which is kind of like saying Ms. Bachmann’s grasp on reality is “a bit” tenuous. I followed Mollena’s Admonition and was DAMN sure I was available for those playdates that I did schedule, and also did my best to be a good Poly Rope Top and made time for both my partner DoNotGoGently and my long-distance lover Naiia.

But it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was exhausting. I was also running classes, doing the cabaret, helping out as part of the staff…so by the time DNGG and I finally got to the designated time and space for our planned suspension scene, the dungeon was packed. I was tired. We wandered around, saw a lot of hot rope people doing hot rope things, but not one empty hard point. Ditto for the other playspaces – nary a hard point free.

Rope etiquette would dictate that we simply stage our bags near a scene that was going on, wait for it to finish, and take over the point. However, remember the “busy” part above? Remember the “exhausted”? Neither of us had the reserves to wait for a scene. More than that, the stresses of Shibaricon had taken their toll, emotionally, on the two of us. We needed a good scene with each other, and we needed it sooner than later.

Well, I’m one of those who’s always talking up floorwork, right? Talking about how suspension is fine, but overrated? So we dragged our gear back to the main dungeon, claimed some floor space with a sheet, and started some rope work.

Almost immediately when the ropes went on her, DNGG closed her eyes. She wasn’t going into “rope space” as it’s commonly understood, but it was obvious to me as I bound her tighter and tighter that this was going to be an internalized experience for her, a journey in which I would be a guide and guardian but not so much a participant.

That’s not a bad thing at all; it’s one of the many rich ways that rope can provide a great experience. So I continued to tie, to expose parts of her body, stimulate them with pinches and strokes and slaps and caresses. DNGG’s reactions are subtle but beautiful, and I was watching her closely, monitoring her state of mind and sensation as best I could in a busy, loud dungeon.

After a time, I began to take her out. I don’t know how long it was – maybe forty five minutes? There hadn’t been any obvious “WE ARE DONE NOW” signs, like mind-blowing orgasms or tears or even really any communication beyond body language. In fact, I wasn’t really sure that we should have been done at that time – it was simply my best guess at when both her energy and mine were at a level where we could come out of the scene gracefully. I wasn’t sure that I’d really given her a good path through the rope, or an adequate experience. I just had to trust that she would either forgive me if I hadn’t (that’s part of being in a relationship, after all) or let me know what she needed that was more.

As I took the ropes off of her, slowly, bit by bit, a strange thought occurred to me: Damn, I really wish we could have done that suspension instead.

It seemed like a strange thought. Why would I have rather done suspension? I’m not attached to the art, not even especially good at it (though I’m adequate enough when called upon). But there was no denying it: I wished, in that moment, that I could have done suspension instead of floorwork.

Why?

I thought about it a lot, and eventually realized: suspension is dynamically easy. It has a very clear path:

1. Negotiation
2. Physical evaluation of bottom
3. Physical creation/evaluation of hard point
4. Tying of harness to bottom
5. Suspension
6. Monitoring/transitional positions (sometimes several if you’re awesome like Lqqkout or Wykd Dave or Claire Adams)
7. Safe lowering to floor.
8. Removal of ropes/Aftercare

How do you know you did a good suspension? Easy: the bottom walks away with a smile. Hell, sometimes it’s just “the bottom walks away.” If they didn’t fall, it’s a success. Anything else – beauty, orgasms, appreciation from the audience – that’s all gravy. And frankly, even “rope space” is easy, because the stresses of the body being supported in a strange way within the ropes will trigger endorphins much more quickly than many other activities, and the feeling of having the ropes taken off/aftercare neurochemically transitions into oxytocin release giving that happy feeling of belonging, being cared for (in both top AND bottom).

In short: it’s an easy way to fix your jonesing for a rope scene.

Contrast that with a floorwork rope scene:

1. Negotiation/evaluation of bottom (setting boundaries, basically, and maybe setting a tone: “pain”, “pleasure”, “beauty”)
2. Tie some rope
3. Do some stuff
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 for a while
5. Untie the ropes
6. Aftercare.

It’s not as clear a picture. And while yes, I can agree that “the bottom walking away with a smile” is still a good indication of a good scene, I would argue that the other “success” marker – the bottom walking away – is not there.

It’s harder to do a good scene on the floor, because you don’t have the obvious markers showing the way.

As I realized this, I thought about the way suspension is such a big thing in the rope scene. I thought about the way new rope tops focus on gaining suspension skills (new rope bottoms, too). And I frankly have come to the conclusion that at least some of the motivation is laziness. Why go to the trouble of delving into an unclear realm such as floorwork when you can put yourself in a situation where very clear steps and very clear paths are laid out to allow you to say “I did good”?

Before the flames start, please note that I am not saying that it is impossible to have a deep and meaningful suspension scene. The artistry of people like Osada Steve, Ageha, Arisue Go, Wykd Dave, Lqqkout, Kogure, Midori, and others who do suspension regularly is undeniable and I would be the first to say so.

But I’m suggesting that when doing suspension, we riggers and bottoms might want to ask “Why?” Are we taking the easy way out? Are we substituting physics for connection, simply because it’s easier?

Or is it just me?

A GRUE is an un-conference – a gathering that is participant driven and self-organizing. Rather than impose an outside agenda on the attendees, the schedule is generated through a fast-moving group exercise facilitated by Gray. The group creates a day filled with a variety of subjects, some of which deal with rope and some of which stretch far beyond. Gender theory? Power dynamics? Scene design? STD awareness? Kinky spirituality? Cyber-security for perverts? All of these and many more have been covered in past GRUEs.

The one thing that every topic has in common – whether presentations, discussions, hands-on skillshares or laughing explorations into new territory- is passion. Everything that happens at a GRUE is something that an attendee is passionate about. The day is filled with energy, open exploration, unexpected connections, realizations, and discoveries. Like a structured contact improv dance, working within a proven framework every GRUE is different, beautiful, and unique to the needs and abilities of the people there.

Be prepared to be surprised. As over two dozen other GRUEs in the U.S. and Canada have proven, the unconference and kink go hand in hand to create something amazing.

The Seattle GRUE will be donating a portion of the profits of this event to the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and another portion to support independent sex-positive community educators.

Cost: $80

Schedule:
Friday August 19th, 7-10pm or so: Meet-and-Greet. Location TBA

Saturday August 20th, 9:30am-6pm: GRUE! at the CSPC, Main Space. ( Lunch is provided on site.)

Saturday Night, 9pm-2am: 2 Play Parties at CSPC, included in GRUE price. (Non-members must fill out consent forms.)

Sunday Morning: 10am-whenever: GRUE pancake brunch at the CSPC, Annex.

As someone who travels regularly with rope and other toys, I can tell you my personal secret: Pay the damn fees. Yeah, it’s ridiculous, but while I’ve accumulated a nice collection of TSA inspection forms, I’ve never had anything – from basic Twisted Monk rope to high-end MauiKink exotic wood paddles – get taken. I’ve heard various other horror stories (including one from Midori who had all kinds of stuff taken) but my own experience is that if you just fork over the cash, I don’t worry.

I’ve tried other methods, including one that is often recommended by others on discussions like this one on Fetlife to mail the packages, but I’ve found that there’s an element of risk in relying on others to mail or hold your packages. I’ve still got a lot of my rope sitting in the back of someone’s car in San Francisco because they haven’t found the time to mail it to me, and SherynB mentions that “almost all large hotels charge substantial receiving and holding fees, and I’d be surprised if the Hyatt was an exception. It’s been a few years, since I did hotel conferences, but my guess would be $20-25 a box, or more, based on weight. So if you’re going to do it, call first so you know what to expect.”

Which looks more dangerous to you?

This year I have the advantage that my partner is driving in from the Bondage Burgh, and so my gear bag will just be thrown in the back of her car.

If you do decide to brave the TSA and carry on your rope (It’s for climbing! Honest!) just remember they are arbitrary, fickle, and logic will not work. CherriesJubalie and Lqqkout had the interesting experience of traveling to the same event – Beyond Leather – and while TSA was fine with Lqqkout’s five-foot heavy-steel chain in his carry-on, they insisted that Cherry remove her nipple piercings in order to go through the metal detector (note: Cherry has investigated and found that this is NOT TSA policy, so if you are asked to do this and you don’t want to, know that you can insist on a “visual screening” instead of removing them).

In short, if you’re bringing gear, pay the damn fees. It’s the safest way to transport them.

What’s your plan for getting your gear to Shibaricon?

One of many "Real" movies from Comstock Films

Tony Comstock is a pornographer writer sailor father husband  filmmaker guy who cares about the state of sexual mores in our culture. And when I say cares, I mean more than just donating to Scarleteen and the NCSF and making movies about real people having real sex because they are really in love.

He is going to be putting his (literary) ass on the line:

“In late 2008 I began a deliberate campaign to take my ideas beyond the safe confines of my little corner of the internet. I began engaging on blogs and forums where I knew my films and the ideas they represent would be greeted with, at best, suspicion, if not outright hostility. This process has been hugely demanding — of my time, of my energy, of my emotions — with no guarantee that my efforts would ever bear fruit.”

But bear fruit it did. In fact, his writing (which is excellent in its own right) was noticed by none other than Atlantic columnist James Fallows. Which is why Tony Comstock will be covering for Fallows for the first half of February. Tony talks about what he plans to do with this suddenly huge soapbox:

By the end of the week, I hope to have laid out a case for the idea that while we live in an age where extremely graphic, often upsetting sexual imagery is but a mouse-click away, images that explore and celebrate love and sexuality in the same way that Valentine’s day celebrates love and sexuality are vanishingly rare.

“I am also going to talk about how law, custom, economics, and technology interact to enforce a wide gulf between the well-crafted, but oddly coy depictions of sexuality in mainstream film and television, and the poorly made, often cartoonishly vulgar depictions that seem to characterize the collision of sex and the moving image.

Along the way I’ll touch on subjects of more general interest, including: algorithmic morality, climax ecology, boiled frogs, what you can and can’t see from outer-space, boxing, Steve Jobs’ liver, Dick Cheney’s heart, gun-control, and dog fighting.”

I’m almost drooling with excitement. That list of subjects is like an aphrodisiac.

His sojourn as an Atlantic guest-blogger begins February 7 and runs through February 13, the day before Valentine’s day. I’ll certainly be following it, but I suspect that as a community of sex-positive writers and bloggers and freaks we should make sure to respectfully and openly support this foray into the mass media by one of our own.

The First-Ever Winter Fire Cabaret Social!

Got Talent? Come and share!

Hosted By Graydancer
Get to know a different side of your fellow travelers in this Dark Odyssey at the Winterfire Cabaret. This is the Talent Show your mother warned you about, with kinksters showing off their skills in short, lively acts guaranteed to amaze, or at least amuse, everyone.

Hosted by Graydancer, the Cabaret is an environment designed for casual entertainment, with professional talent and talented amateurs lending their grace and skill to the stage. Juggling! Music! Kilted kicklines! Dancing bears! Stop in, enjoy the acts, and take a moment to bid in a round of the NCSF Lightning Auction between acts.

Interested in performing in this vaudeville-style stage show? Contact Graydancer@gmail.com. Guaranteed to be fun for the whole fami- well, fun for the whole community, anyway. Hope to see you there!

I have a real love-hate relationship with this video. On the one hand, it does some things right, such as referring to to the “art” as kinbaku, and linking the “rope culture” of Japan to the practice. On the other hand, starting from the Ubiquitous Zen Flute Riff when they show the “happy, sunny” Japan, to the pedantic valley-girl-esque Vanessa Von Auer, Paychologist, it goes into a sensationalistic Orientalist mode. The overall portrayal, passive-aggressive in tone, is that rope bondage is done by the mentally ill as an inadequate substitute for “real” therapy.

Still, it’s worth watching, if only for the chance to see Ageha perform, and to see Hajime Kinoko‘s teaching studio. What do you think of the tone? I know that I tend to be a bit over-sensitive to what I perceive as Asian stereotyping; maybe I’m over-reacting?

Sorry. Lost in the memory there for a bit. Suffice to say, it was hot. Powerful. Nifty. And any scene that starts with a Traditional Japanese Cthulthu harness has gotta be good.*

One of the most valuable parts of the dojo, and part of what makes it more than just a “how to tie that knot” experience, is the section on negotiating rope scenes. It’s thorough and fun and much hotter, in my opinion, than an 18-page questionnaire or even a flippant “So, you wanna try some stuff?” As part of the process, one person will “propose” a scene – a bit like the “Very Short Story” technique – and then the other person will temporize it, explaining what they’d like more of, less of, different.

In the second round of practicing, when we had a one-minute limit to both propose and edit, my conversation with my partner (a cis-male het-presenting rope top) went something like this:

Me: You know, I’ve been frustrated at the fact that I can’t seem to find a way to enjoy the ropes on my body. Since you’re into tying the fancy Japanese style stuff, perhaps we could do a scene where you gradually put me in more and more complex, layered bondage. I enjoy a struggle, so being able to push against it might be fun, kind of like a military interrogation/torture kind of thing. I think I’d also like to involve my partner DoNotGoGently, since I also tend to enjoy whatever scene I’m in more if there is a sexual component. Then we could -”

Delano: TIME! Ok, Person B, you have one minute to edit that scene. Go!

Person B: Well, I can get with most of what you said. I like the layers of bondage, and DoNotGoGently would be great to have there. There’s just one thing that doesn’t really work for me…that’s the whole military bondage thing. I’m not really interested in interrogation or torture. I’m more interested in making the successive layers of bondage more interesting through the use of different materials…

Me: Oh, like vet wrap, duct tape…

Person B: No, I was thinking more along the lines of strips of pig flesh.

Me: …

Delano: TIME!

Even now, I’m still trying to parse that. Bacon? Pigskin leather? Much as I’d like to say yes, that’s what he meant, it’s not what he said. He said “strips of pig flesh.”

I confess. He’s a nice guy. A pleasant person. I spent time in wonderful conversations with him after.

But I’m damn glad that was just a practice negotiation. Because frankly, he scares me.

Pig flesh. Hard limit. Cue rainbow, stars, harp sound effect: The More You Know.

*maybe you had to be there.

Notes on Building & Keeping Connection & Flow in a Rope Scene

• Don’t put distance between you and your rope bottom. Be as close as you can while still respecting boundaries
• Ask before touching, but if you want to touch, ask.
• Maintain contact through touch or rope tension throughout the scene.
• Give some indication of what you’re going to do before you do it. “I’m going to put a chest harness on you” is ok, but “The rope is going on these beautiful breasts” might be better. On the other hand, “Gonna tie you down, bitch, before I smack and fuck that sweet ass” might be preferred by some. Know your bottom.
• If you want nudity, ask for it. The worst that can happen is they say “no”.
• Confidence as you move the bottom’s body around is always good.
• Acknowledge mistakes if they’re obvious, like hitting her in the face with the rope, but don’t draw attention to it. He can’t see that you didn’t tie the Somerville bowline quite right behind his back; why tell him? Never say “oops” unless it’s immediately followed by “Eh, who gives a fuck?“
• If you have to backtrack, don’t say “I did that wrong.” Say something like “Ooh…you’ve got a really great body. I’ve got a better idea for this…” Then start over.
• Precision & hesitation is for photographic shoots. If you want energy, give up the pursuit of perfection. Don’t become the Graveyard of Passion.
• When possible, pull the rope across the body, letting it caress the skin.
• If you have loose bands of rope, find a way to make them tighter.
• Communicate throughout the scene. It should be a conversation, either with words or through touch.
• At the end of the scene, you should know where your head is at, and have some idea where your bottom’s head was at. Discuss it, and see how close you both were. The more you know about each other, the better the next scene will be.
  

  Rigging: Graydancer Model: FaerieRing Photographer: Starven

But even after nineteen successful GrUE’s in three years and two countries – yes, that’s right, nineteen – I still hear the same things from people. “Such-and-so is skeptical of the Unconference Model.” “Unless you have a list of presenters, no one will come.” “I’m really turned off by the idea of no organization.”

I can understand that. It was driven home to me quite well by a friend who was describing an event he’s trying to organize. “You’d like it, Gray!” he exclaimed. “We’re going to run it kind of like a GrUE, where there’s nothing really planned, and everybody just gets to do what they want!”

My gut reaction (not what I said to him) was to recoil in horror. That sounded like an awful idea for a conference. This was followed by a terrifying thought: OMG – is that what people hear me saying when I talk about a GrUE?

Perhaps it is. So I’m a little more careful now, and describe it more as:

A GrUE uses Open Space Technology principles (developed in 1985 and used in over 60,000 different events) to enable participants to self-organize a conference filled only with the issues and activities they care deeply about. It creates a unique event filled with passion and responsibility and unexpected connections within the group.

I dunno. I still like the other descriptions, such as “It’s like everybody brings their own book, and we get together and create a library” or even better, “It’s like Burning Man crossed with TED Talks for kinky people*” or something to that effect.

Proof of Concept

However, if the nineteen GrUEs (and the first gathering of The Usual Suspects, which you’ll hear about in a pending podcast) isn’t enough to convince people that this system can work, well, there’s other concrete evidence. Harrison Own talks about some of the clients he’s worked with, including the very first Open Space he facilitated, for 75 DuPont engineers determining the fate of Dacron. He talks about the 250 Boeing employees who used the process to quickly and efficiently address an airplane door redesign that was implemented worldwide. But most impressive to me was the story of the AT&T Olympic Pavilion in Atlanta:

Six months before the 1996 Olympic games in Atlanta 1996, AT&T was invited to move its pavilion from the edge of the Olympic village to the center. That was the good news. The bad news was that the AT&T design team had just completed 10 months of hard work on the first version, and now there was a need to redesign it at a new place to serve 75,000 customers a day instead of 5,000, and to finish the design in half the time.

It was clearly understood that there was no way to do it by the linear process it done before. The 23 members of the design team were a dispirited group when they assembled to meet the challenge. One of the group member’s commented: ” we are about to turn a disaster into a catastrophe.” Two days later, the atmosphere was rather different. A totally new design had been created; everybody agreed that it was much better than the first design. As they planned, they ordered materials for delivery. Perhaps most important, everybody was still talking to each other, and some of them even described it as a ‘fun’ undertaking.

Using Open Space Technology made all the difference.

–source: Self Organization in Social Systems

So, if it was good enough for Ma Bell to put it in charge of a $200,000,000.00 one-chance investment with an impossible deadline and succeed…well, if that’s not enough proof of concept, then you’re never going to be convinced.

And that’s ok. We’ll continue to have them without you, and you can just come join us when you’re ready.

We miss you.

Nah. That Open Space Woo-woo Shit Never Works.

*Thanks to Naiia for reminding me & Caritas Joy for coming up with the analogy in the first place!

]]> http://www.graydancer.com/for-the-unconference-skeptics/feed/ 0