Graydancer
The Seven Deadly Sins of Kink
Written by Gray Dancer on November 14th, 2007Apologies to those whose religion (Catholicism or Old Guard or Militant Feminism or whatever you choose) is offended by the following. Be glad, though; if this bother you, this is probably not the blog for you.
- Apathy
- Jealousy
- Hubris
- Fluids
- Pouting
- Gossip
- Interruption
Obviously these are only my own interpretation, and yes, there are exceptions to everything (I know, I know, some people are fluid bonded, and I don’t think anyone would mind being interrupted by Midori, and where’s non-consent?).
Actually, I’ll address that last one. Non-consent is not a deadly sin of kink because doing kinky things non-consensually is not kink, it’s assault, battery, rape, harassment, abuse, etc. There are other words for that kind of thing. It’s not kink. Whether you’re part of the “Safe, sane, consensual” crowd, or like me subscribe to “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink”, consent is a given.
No, the deadly sins are things that when not addressed become the buzz-killers of a fun scene, a fun playspace, or a relationship. Not that I’m saying you can’t do them - hell, I certainly have - but it’s when you’re jealous and you wallow in it, or you have the fluid spill and you don’t take care of it, or you do any of the things and don’t actually take the time to fix them…well, that’s deadly, in my opinion.
Yours may vary. Let me know what you think. Flamers will be given pie.
14
PM
I think you have a giid idea there. Describing many behaviora that are potentially toxic to any relationship especially in kink. I would be quite interested in reading a few explinations of each one in more detail. Cheers.
14
PM
pie?
I’d love to hear what you think about gossip vs talking about ones life and interactions online.
I was asked to write a etiquette guideline type-thing for the local community on what’s ok information to reveal online and I’m kinda stuck … “I know it when I see it” isn’t helpful to a newbie.
Oh, and my list of deadly sins would have included outing. Does that get me pie?
14
PM
OK, dammit, my whole idea of letting the comments write the content for me is failing miserably. Instead, I find myself realizing that a podcast series on each of these is a good idea, and I have written down the people I want to interview for each one.
At first I thought yes, outing should also be on there…but again, it’s a matter of consent, don’t you think? You can’t be outed if you consent to it, but you can be if you don’t want people to know.
As to the definition of gossip vs. talking about one’s life…seems like the one would be about other people, whereas your life is your life.
14
PM
LOL! Brilliant!! Hope you don’t mind if I steal these, as they are spot on accurate!!!
14
PM
Outing seems like a subcategory of gossip to me. (Albeit an unusually severe one.)
Expansions on these, in this blog or in your podcast, would certainly be appreciated. Some of them — hubris and pouting are the ones in my mind — seem like very fine distinctions, with a thin line between good and bad. I can see the difference, but it definitely merits more discussion than one line on a list.
Oh, and I want some pie, thou warped clay-brained fustilarian.
14
PM
ah, but MY life is defined greatly by my interactions with other people. It’s hard to talk about me and what I’m doing and how I’m growing without talking about the people I’m doing that with. Thankfully, my life is filled with exhibitionists who love to see their name … errr … HANDLE in print.
15
AM
“Gossip” is a little nebulous; seems like it can be in the eye of the beholder.
15
PM
The difficulty comes in when the “law” inhibits the “spirit” of kink. i.e. is one sub passing on information about someone who is unsafe “gossip” or “responsible”. Whatever paradigm is embraced needs to leave enough gray areas (pun intended?) for fostering trust and freedom instead of legalism and judgmentalism. The example of fluid bonding is one of these, I think. Perhaps the list is really more a “public practice of kink commandments” list?
One of the challenges I am facing currently is regarding expectations and trying to navigate a completely different cultural hierarchy of intimacy than what I am used to. I recently asked the man I’ve been seeing about expectations I have of intimacy in a private relationship, and think that within that context, there is a normal range of human emotion that we have to find the commitment to overcome, to grow through, a greater dimension of trust, perhaps, forged because we have seen all the above, and choose to be in the relationship with greater belief in the better nature winning out.
23
PM
QT3_141592?
Maybe ignorance might fall under apathy–and there are I’m sure exceptions to this effect–but I would guess not having the basic knowledge about your kink would be a problem, or knowledge sufficient to the level at which you’re engaging in it.
Example, I would not be a sexy rope partner because I would have no idea what I was doing, top or bottom. I’m sure there is attraction in a “corrupting the innocent” scene or the sub just going along with whatever, but it’s hard to be risk-aware if you don’t have enough know-how and it shouldn’t be all the responsibility of the other participant(s).